


The Way Forward

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, Forgiveness, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay, Infidelity, Long Road to Forgiveness, Love, Love Confessions, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Slash, Pregnancy, Romance, Sexual Content, Slash, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-03-17 16:35:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 24,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3536447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the crew of the Starship Enterprise navigate their first five-year mission, Jim must learn to navigate his new found friendship—and perhaps something more—with Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Prime Directive

“Do you have an explanation for the Enterprise’s violation of the Prime Directive as we have discussed?” Admiral Jameson demanded from Jim’s view screen.

Jim’s jaw muscle tightened, “No, sir. I’ve made my statement.”

“And the firing of the phaser at the natives of Cetiphan?”

“The phaser was faulty.”

“Who fired it, Captain?”

“I will take responsibility.”

“Who?”

“Lieutenant Uhura. But as I said, the phaser was faulty. She was not responsible.”

Jameson nodded. “Very well. Do you have anything to add, Kirk?”

“I take full responsibility for the entire incident, Admiral. The crew follows my orders. If there is to be a court martial, it should be for me.”

The admiral narrowed his eyes. “I will take it under advisement. Jameson out.”

Bones appeared from where he’d been hiding off screen and handed Jim a drink. “Well that went well,” he said sarcastically.

Jim sighed and set the drink down on the desk. He rubbed his temples. “It’s about what I expected. Maybe a little milder. For now. Who knows what they’ll come back with?”

“You think they’ll relieve you of command?”

“If they successfully court martial me? Yeah. I don’t know, if they don’t. They may do it either way.”

“You did nothing wrong. We had no choice.”

“I know, Bones. But you know how they are. They want a scapegoat. Might as well be me.”

Bones scowled. “I disagree. Damn it, Jim.”

Jim sighed. “I’m surprised I made it this far. Anyway, maybe it won’t happen. I’ve been lucky before.” He forced a smile. “And if it does, well, Spock will make a better captain than me anyway.”

“The hobgoblin? Are you out of your corn fed mind?”

“Yes, him.” Jim downed his drink. “God, I’m so tired.”

Bones gave him a sympathetic look. “Get some sleep, if you can.”

Jim nodded. “Thanks, Bones. Maybe you’ll come visit me when my career is over, huh?”

“It’s not going to happen, Jim. I won’t let it.”

Jim stood and gave Bones a hug. “You’re the best.”

Bones hugged him back. “No, you are. And I’m not going to let them destroy you.”

****

“Captain?”

Jim smiled but did not turn away from his view of the stars. He stood on the observation deck looking out onto his favorite view.

“Yes, Spock?’

“You have retained your command?”

“Disappointed?” He turned away from the view he would get to keep to face Spock, whose dark eyes looked turbulent. “Sorry, Spock. That wasn’t nice. I know you didn’t want that.”

“I did not.”

“Yes, they determined our actions were…commendable actually. I’ve been given a commendation for original thinking under dire unforeseen circumstances.” Jim grinned. “Dodged another one.”

Spock exhaled. “That is good news.”

“Thank you for your report. It helped.”

“Nyota said you took responsibility for the phaser incident on her behalf.”

Jim shrugged. “It was no big deal.”

“It was to both of us. Nyota expresses her gratitude. As do I.”

“Sure. You’re welcome.”

Spock took a step forward. “Captain.”

He smiled. “Mr. Spock?”

“I am glad you are still my captain.”

Jim squeezed Spock’s arm. “Thank you. I’m pretty glad too. Chess match in the rec room?”

“That would be agreeable.”

When they made it to the rec room it was quite crowded and immediately Sulu, Chekov and Bones gestured for them to come over to where they were playing cards.

“Keptin,” Chekov said, bouncing excitedly. “Ve heard the good news.”

“Yeah, congratulations, Captain,” Sulu said. “It should never have gotten that far.”

“Thanks guys.”

Bones gave him a hug to Jim’s surprise. Bones didn’t like to show affection in public. “I’m sure it was my threats that swayed them.”

Jim laughed. “Maybe so.”

Uhura came over and offered Jim a brief, but strained smile. “Sorry to interrupt, Captain.” She turned to Spock. “Can I talk to you?”

“The captain and I were about to play a game of chess.”

“It’s really important, Spock,” Uhura said forcefully.

Jim tried a smile. “It’s fine. I’ll be here with the guys.”

Spock moved off with Uhura to a corner of the room.

“Poker?” Jim asked.

“Yes, Keptin. Vill you play vith us?”

Jim glanced across the room and saw Uhura with her hand on Spock’s chest, Spock’s head tilted low toward her, and instantly deflated. Bones was right. He really was an idiot. A lovesick one.

“You know what? I’m really tired.” He yawned to demonstrate. “Been a big day. I think I’m going to just go to my quarters.”

Bones frowned. “You sure, Jim?”

“I am. No worries. Night, guys.”

Jim left the rec room without looking in Spock and Uhura’s direction again.

What he really needed was a good fuck to get it out of his system. Only there weren’t any real candidates on the Enterprise for that and they wouldn’t be granted shore leave for another month or so. Trouble was all the fucking in the world didn’t make him stop loving his first officer.

He had a message that his mother tried to reach him, so he got connected to her and waited while she appeared on his screen.

“Jim!”

He smiled. “Hi, Mom.”

They were a couple years into their five-year mission and Jim had reconciled with his mother. She had been the first one he’d talked to when Starfleet was less than pleased with his last mission.

“I heard that there will be no charges and that you even got a commendation.”

“Yeah, I did. Thanks for helping me.”

She shook her head. “I just listened. The rest was all you, honey. Were you out celebrating?”

“No.”

“No?” She frowned. “You didn’t want to?”

“Not really and everyone was busy anyway. You know how it is.”

She bit her lip. “Not even with Spock?”

Jim snorted. “There is no Spock. I mean, yeah, he’s my first officer, and we’re friends, sort of, but he has a girlfriend he spends his time with.”

“Still? I thought for sure you’d have charmed him by now.”

He laughed at that. “I’m pretty sure Spock doesn’t find me charming. Trust me, if you have a delicate ego, hanging out with Spock will crush you. He’s very blunt and doesn’t pull any punches. About anything, really.”

“And Leonard?”

Jim shrugged. “He was busy. Anyway, he’s been great through this whole ordeal. I couldn’t have gotten through it without him.”

“Okay. Well, I just called to say I’m so happy this is over for you.”

“Thanks, Mom. Love you.”

“I love you too, Jim. I’ll talk to you soon. Kirk out.”

“Kirk out.”

Jim removed his uniform, pulled on a tank top and went to bed. Alone.


	2. Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Jim-Bonescentric chapter, thus the title.

Twenty minutes later and Jim was up and out of bed again. He’d hoped sleep would come easily but it hadn’t. He’d been too pumped with adrenaline earlier and his racing pulse wouldn’t calm down.

His door beeped.

“Computer, identify visitor.”

“Leonard McCoy, Chief Medical Officer.”

“Open.”

Bones walked in holding a bottle of bourbon and two shot glasses. “Thought you might need this about now.”

Jim smiled. “Thanks, Bones. Thought you were playing cards.”

“Nah, the younger guys were kicking my ass. I didn’t need to lose anymore credits.” He poured two shots, handed one to Jim, and then plopped himself down on Jim’s couch.

Jim sat next to him and took a sip of the burning liquid. “I’m surprised, you know.”

“Surprised?”

Jim shrugged. “Figured they’d use this as an excuse to get rid of me once and for all.”

“They don’t want to get rid of you, Jim. You’re a hero.”

He snorted at that. “Some hero.”

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Jim? The wheels are spinning so loud I can hear them.”

Jim shook his head.

“Is this about the hobgoblin?”

“Why would you think that?”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Because, genius, when I saw you earlier you seemed pretty happy. Uhura comes and snatches your toy away and you look like you’ve been kicked.”

“He’s not my toy.”

“Your hobgoblin then.”

“He’s not anything, Bones,” Jim insisted. “Just a friend.”

“This is me you’re talking to, Jimmy boy. We both know you want him to be more.”

“There are a lot of things I want, Bones. Doesn’t mean I’ll get them.” He sighed, drained his glass and waited for Bones to pour him more. “I’d thought…I heard a rumor, you know, a while back, that their relationship was coming to an end. Not that if it had that would mean anything for me. But, I don’t know, there was hope.”

“And now?”

Jim rubbed his eyes. “You saw them together tonight. They looked close. She had her hands all over him and his attention was riveted to her. If they were having problems, seems like they aren’t anymore.”

Bones watched him for a bit. “You have anything to eat today?”

“That’s what you have to say?”

“No. I’ll tell you what I have to say in a bit. Have you?”

“I had a couple of apples earlier.”

Bones stood and made his way to the replicator.

“I’m fine, Bones,” Jim protested.

“As your doctor, I’ll be the judge of that.” Bones returned with a plate of baked chicken, rice and vegetables. “Eat that. And don’t argue.” He pulled the shot glass out of Jim’s hand.

Jim cut off a piece of chicken and put it in his mouth.

“Better.” Bones nodded. “All right, you want to know what I think?”

“Yeah.”

“I know you fancy yourself in love with Spock. Maybe you are. But I think you’re better off getting over him.”

Jim finished chewing and swallowed. “Why?”

“I don’t know if any kind of romantic relationship would work between the two of you. Look, you don’t even know if the hobgoblin is into guys, right?”

“Right.”

“Even if he’s as attracted to you as you are to him, the two of you are like polar opposites. You’re fiery. He’s cold. You jump feet first into anything and everything. Spock would spend five weeks analyzing every situation before acting if he could. You are passionate and emotional. He’s analytical and represses emotions in favor of logic.” Bones paused. “You see where I’m going here, Jim?”

Jim frowned. Oh he saw all right. But he sure as hell didn’t like it. “What about opposites attract?”

“They do. But when the urge to fuck cools off, you’re left with just the differences.”

Jim narrowed his eyes. “Why do I think you’re talking about yourself and your ex?”

Bones grimaced and took a drink. “Maybe I am. Some. But I still urge caution when dealing with anything involving Spock.”

“News flash, Bones, it doesn’t seem like I’m going to have anything with Spock except our weird sort of friendship.”

His friend nodded. “True. And you’re right, it is weird.  But it involves the hobgoblin so what else could it be? Eat.”

Jim dutifully took another bite. “It is, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“Weird.” Jim frowned as he chewed. “He seems to spend more time with me than anyone else. Even Uhura.”

“Well, I spend more time with you than anyone else.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have an Uhura.”

“Thanks.”

“You know what I mean. You don’t have a significant other.” Jim reached for the shot glass Bones had taken from him. “Maybe it’s more about sex for them.” And hell, that put a really painful image in his head. Thinking about Spock with Uhura like that…well he didn’t want to.

“Do you think they’re even doing it?” Bones asked.

Jim rolled his eyes. “Of course they are. She drapes herself around him like he’s her possession or something. And no matter the rumors, Vulcans aren’t against sex except every seven years.”

Bones smirked. “How would you know?”

Jim felt his ears grow warm. “There was this Vulcan woman once. Anyway, all that doesn’t matter. Trust me, she would never let him get away with celibacy.” He licked his dry lips, and then took a drink. “I think I heard them once too.”

“Gross.”

Jim laughed. He had too, really, or depress himself further. “Yeah. I ran out of the bathroom we share pretty fast after that.”

“I’ll never understand what you see in him. What she sees in him.”

“Yeah, you do.”

Bones snorted and stood. “Finish that and go to bed.” He poured Jim another little bit of bourbon before taking the bottle with him. “Doctor’s orders. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Once Bones was gone, Jim drained his drink and discarded the rest of the meal Bones had forced on him, and then he crawled back in bed, hoping this time sleep would claim him. 


	3. News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the challenge for this chapter was that there had to be a pregnancy scare, Bones had to be in a good mood for a change and there had to be a shipwide lockdown.

Spock hesitated outside the quarters of Captain Kirk. Something was distressing his captain and Spock did not care for it. But it was late. His conversation with Nyota had taken up a lot of time. So much time that the captain had left the rec room and Spock hadn’t really been surprised. There was something a little off with Kirk. He still seemed sad considering he had just been handed a very definite victory from Starfleet.

However, if the captain was sleeping—

After further reflection, he pressed the button for entry anyway.

A minute later the door opened and Spock stepped inside. The lights were low and Kirk was sitting on the edge of his bed wearing only boxer briefs and a tank top.

“I apologize for disturbing your rest,” Spock said at once.

“It’s all right. I wasn’t really sleeping anyway.” Kirk’s blue gaze flicked to Spock. “Problem with the ship?”

“Negative.” Spock could smell the vague scent of bourbon from Jim. Which to Spock explained why he hadn’t been sleeping.

Kirk smiled. “What’s on your mind?”

“Mostly I wished to ascertain your welfare.”

“Oh. I’m okay. Just a little…well after everything, all the stress, it’s a bit anticlimactic I guess.”

Spock tilted his head. “You wanted them to make a bigger fuss?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I was demoted for lesser offenses.” Kirk smiled crookedly. “Not that either one of us needs a reminder of those days.” Kirk stood and went to the replicator. “Want something?”

“Tea. Please.”

“Herbal tea might be a good idea for both of us.”

“You are still having trouble sleeping.” He made it a statement not a question.

“Some.” Kirk shrugged.  He handed a cup of tea to Spock and then reached for his uniform pants.

“It is not necessary for you to redress. I interrupted your slumber.”

Kirk waved that away and pulled on his pants anyway. He did not change his tank top. He made another cup of tea and then sat behind his desk, gesturing to another chair in front of him, which Spock took.

Blue eyes gazed at him over the rim of the cup. “So, what’s up?”

“The outcome of the investigation came out highly in your favor,” Spock said.

“Yeah.”

Spock tilted his head. “Yet…you do not appear to be particularly pleased.”

“Well, there’s always that whole part about how it should never have become an _investigation_. We both filed all the correct reports. All the information they needed was there initially. I don’t particularly like to have my file reflect that my ship and my command had been under investigation. Whatever the outcome.”

“I acknowledge that you have a point.”

Kirk smiled. “A rarity, wouldn’t you say, Mr. Spock?”

“Indeed.”

Kirk’s smile faded but he did not look annoyed. “Things all right with you and Uhura?”

Spock hesitated. “Yes. You refer to her wishing to talk with me earlier?”

“Yeah.” Kirk shrugged. “I know it’s not really my business. Just didn’t want any issues with my officers.”

“Nyota intends to speak with you about it herself.”

“Ah. Okay.”

Spock was torn. The news was Nyota’s business. But she had informed him that he could share it with their captain as she would have to report it herself anyway.

“She believes she is expecting a child,” Spock said after a moment.

Kirk’s face went utterly blank which was an unusual expression for him as he had a very expressive, animated face. After a few seconds, the captain nodded.

“She doesn’t know for sure?” Kirk asked in a neutral tone.

“Her own personal tests confirm it but she still needs to verify it with Dr. McCoy.”

“Okay. Well, I can see why she wanted to talk to you then.”

“Indeed.”

“You didn’t want to spend the rest of your off time with her given the circumstances?”

“She was aware I wanted to check on your welfare.”

“Ah.” Kirk nodded. He smiled again but it was a strange rather brittle smile. “I’m fine, as you see. And I certainly don’t want to keep you from somewhere else you should be.”

Spock got the distinct impression his captain was dismissing him. He felt as though there was something he was missing, but he was not certain what.

“You are not yourself,” Spock tried again.

“It’s just been a trying few days. I’ll work through it.”

“We are friends, are we not?”

Jim’s expression had gone back to the unsettling blank one. “Yes, of course, Mr. Spock.”

Spock nodded. “Have I done something to upset you?”

“No, you haven’t done anything.”

When Jim said nothing further, Spock rose. “I will allow you your rest.”

“Goodnight, Mr. Spock.”

“Goodnight, Captain.”

****

After his shift the next day, Jim went looking to speak with Bones. He wanted to talk about how miserable his life was. Okay, so maybe not everything was miserable. But his love for Spock was, and made even more so given the news that his Vulcan crush was having a baby with his girlfriend. Jim bet the baby would be cute too.

“Hi, Christine, Bones busy?”

Nurse Chapel gave him a friendly smile. “He’s in his office. He’s in quite the mood.”

Jim perked up at that. A grumpy, funny Bones was just what he needed. “Bones, I—”

He froze in the doorway of his best friend’s office. Bones was grinning sort of like a madman and giggling, well…gleefully. He stared in stupor.

“Hey, Jim,” Bones called cheerfully.

Jim blinked. Blinked again. “What has you so cheery?”

“Just spent the last hour talking to my girl. Face to face. Well, you know, computer face to face. Haven’t been able to do that for months. She’s got braces,” Bones told him, his eyes lit with such good humor Jim knew he could not bring Bones down in any way.

“”That’s great, Bones.”

“What ails you?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing. Just came by to say hi because I hadn’t seen you most of the day.”

Bones nodded. “Been busy. Before my daughter, I was running tests on the blood of that prisoner you picked up on Lunar 7.”

“Yeah? Any results?”

“Not yet. But I’ll have them well before we reach the space station where we leave him off.”

“Great, thanks, Bones.” Jim smiled. “See you later?”

“You bet.”

And if Bones noticed Jim’s smile was fabricated, his friend was in too good a mood to bring it up.

****

Generally when they were on the bridge, Spock’s captain would periodically look back at Spock and make eye contact, often inviting Spock to come stand beside him. When he wasn’t doing that, Jim would go over to Spock’s station to speak to Spock.

During this shift he didn’t do any of that. In fact to say Jim was quiet and preoccupied would be an understatement. Spock rose from his station and went to the captain’s chair without encouragement.

Jim glanced Spock’s way briefly, his expression closed off, then back to the screen ahead. “Something on your mind, Mr. Spock?”

“Are you all right, Captain?”

“Sure, I’m fine.”

“In that case, are you free later for chess?”

“Tonight?”

Spock nodded. “If you are available.”

“I’m afraid I’m not, Spock. Sorry.”

“Very well. Another time.”

“Sure.”

But there was not another time. Jim turned down all invitations to chess. Spock was trying not to let it bother him. It was not logical to be concerned Jim did not want to spend time with him. Spock had thought they were at least friends. Jim had said they were.

If Spock had hoped there was more…well the captain’s recent behavior had squelched that thought, really, before it could be formed.

They’d almost reached the space station where they would be leaving their prisoner behind when Jim received an urgent call from security.

“Security to Captain Kirk.”

Jim straightened. “What is it, Giotto?”

“Sir, the prisoner has escaped. Repeat, the prisoner has escaped.”

“What? How the hell did that happen?”

“Well, Nelson was bringing in his dinner and—”

“Never mind,” Jim snapped. “We’ll talk about that later. Go to red alert.”

Jim rose from his chair and went to the turbolift. Spock followed him inside.

“I recommend a ship wide lock down, Captain,” Spock said.

“Yeah,” Jim said with a nod. “Good idea.”

They exited the turbolift on the deck with the brig. Jim went to the comm on the wall and announced the lockdown.

“I’ll go this way, you go that way, Mr. Spock.”

“Should we separate?”

“It’ll give us a better chance of finding him.”

“And also falling victim to him should he desire a hostage,” Spock pointed out. “Perhaps it would be better to let security handle this.”

“No time to argue, Commander.”

Whenever Jim resorted to calling him Commander, Spock knew Jim was done. He watched as his captain hurried down the corridor, phaser in hand.

Spock was tempted to follow him for he had a bad feeling about it. But Jim could be stubborn especially about his own recklessness. He turned and went the other way.

****

Less than an hour later, Spock was headed to sickbay and the prisoner was back in the brig. He went straight over to the bed Jim sat on the edge of, Dr. McCoy running a medical tricorder over him.

Jim, covered in bruises and cuts across his face, smiled at Spock. “Hey.”

Spock raised a brow at the captain and the turned to McCoy. “Anything broken, doctor?”

“Two ribs. One of which almost punctured the idiot’s lung.”

“It didn’t,” Jim said rather cheerfully.

“But it almost did,” McCoy insisted. “Why do you have security officers, Jim, if you’re going to play the hero?”

“I was just in the right place at the right time to take him out,” Jim replied.

“Is that what you call it?” Dr. McCoy shook his head. “I want you off for twenty-four hours.”

Jim frowned. “I’m fine.”

“Bullshit. You have a lump on the back of your head the size of a peach. You’re lucky I don’t keep you in sickbay.”

“I will escort him to his quarters, doctor.”

Jim glanced at Spock. “I can walk myself.”

“Go with Spock.” McCoy jabbed a hypo into Jim’s neck. “And get out of here.”

Jim hopped off the table and headed out of the sickbay with Spock on his heels.

“Really, Spock, I’m okay. You don’t need to escort me.”

“I would like to speak to you privately.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded. “Okay.”

When they reached the captain’s quarters, they entered and Spock stood with his hands clenched behind his back. He waited for Jim to sit at his desk.

“What’s on your mind?”

“I wish to know what it is I have done.”

“Done?”

“You are avoiding me,” Spock said quietly. “You have changed your habits so that we do not eat at the same time nor appear in the gym at the same time. You are refusing all invitations to engage in chess. You indicated before that you considered me a friend but your actions seem to say otherwise.”

Jim sighed and licked his lips. “It’s not you, Spock.”

“Explain.”

“I…it’s kind of hard to do so.”

Spock tilted his head. “Why?”

“I’m having trouble with-with…I don’t know. We’re friends, yeah. But part of me, I don’t know, thought someday we could be—”

Spock’s heart rate sped up. “More?”

Jim avoided his gaze. “Yeah.”

“You no longer wish for that?”

Jim laughed a little. “No, I do. But you’re still with Uhura and now you’re having a baby with her and—”

“I am not having a baby with Nyota.”

Jim’s startled gaze flew to Spock. “She’s not pregnant? But she filed the report with me earlier today.”

“She is. However, I am not the father of her child.”

“Wait, what?”

“Jim, Nyota and I ended our relationship two months ago.”

“Well, I thought you had but then…you still spent so much time together and then she told you she thought she was pregnant and I assumed—”

Spock shook his head. “We are friends only. She confided in me as her friend.”

Jim stared at him, wide eyed. “Who’s the father then?”

Spock hesitated. He was uncertain he should reveal any more private information from Nyota than he already had. “I believe she would like to keep her privacy for now.”

“Okay.” Jim nodded.

Spock straightened. “I share your desire.”

“My desire?”

“For something more.”

“You do?”

Spock went around Jim’s desk to where he sat. He knelt down beside his captain. His friend. And if he were fortunate…something more. “Yes.”

“For-for how long?”

“I would prefer it to be permanent.”

“No.” Jim laughed, shook his head. He reached for Spock’s hand and threaded his fingers through Spock’s. “I mean, how long have you wanted to be more than friends?”

“Sixteen months, four days, three hours, and twenty-two minutes.”

Jim’s smile was beautiful to behold. “Yeah?”

“Affirmative.”

“That long? But you were still with Uhura.”

Spock nodded.

“Oh.”

“Perhaps longer than that. For a while it was difficult to admit, even to myself. Given your disinterest, I did not pursue it.”

“I was never disinterested.”

“I believed you were. It was when I thought perhaps you were not that I ended my relationship with Nyota.”

“I wish you had said something. I didn’t realize.”

“Perhaps I should have spoken up. Perhaps you should have.” Spock brought Jim’s fingers to his lips. “I think a slow pursuit of you is wise.”

“Slow.” Jim blew out a breath. “Yeah. Okay. I can do that.” Jim slipped from the chair until he was kneeling beside Spock. He leaned into Spock and kissed him. “Is that all right or too fast?”

Spock grabbed the back of his captain’s head. “I believe we need more practice to decide.”

Jim’s tongue came out to trace his bottom lip. “Now you’re talking.”

“Yes. Talking too much. More kissing.”

Jim smiled just as Spock covered his lips with his own.

But Spock knew he had to pull away. He was on duty and indulging himself in Jim’s company would be impossible.

Jim moaned in protest when Spock pulled away. “Hey.”

“I am expected on the bridge. Especially as the captain is currently incapacitated.”

“I’m totally fine.”

“Perhaps, but the doctor has you out.” Spock kissed him softly. “We have time. And we did speak of taking this slowly.”

“Well, you did anyway.”

“Jim—”

“I know, okay. I’m just…I’m not exactly the slow moving type.”

Spock nodded. “You are impulsive.”

“Yeah, I am. If you want someone logical and methodical that is definitely not me.”

“I am aware,” Spock agreed with some amusement. “But it is you I want.”

He was rewarded by another smile. “Me, too.”

“Will you rest?”

Jim pulled a face. “I’m not tired.”

“You just fought with a prisoner intent on escaping and were only released from sickbay. Will you rest for me?”

“Fine.”

Spock kissed him again, just briefly, for a longer kiss would be too tempting for either of them. He rose and helped Jim to his feet also. He was reluctant to leave, but duty called. Something Spock would not shirk, even for Jim.

“Captain.”

Jim smiled. “Commander. Have a good shift."

Spock nodded and exited the captain’s quarters.


	4. Taking it Slow

“Lieutenant,” Jim greeted Uhura as she sat across from him in the mess room. She’d brought only a cup of what smelled like chamomile tea with her. He poked at his rubbery pancakes. “So?”

“You got the report I filed?”

“Yes.” He smiled. “Are congratulations in order?”

“I think so.” She smirked. “I can’t believe you thought it was Spock’s.”

Jim frowned. “He told you?”

“Yes. Just before I came in here.”

“You two are still close. Are you surprised I thought that?”

“Well, yeah. We broke up a couple of months ago, but more than that how can you not know he’s completely besotted with you?”

Jim cut off a piece of pancake and stared at it. “Besotted? Hardly.”

“If you say so.  So you must have questions.”

“Sure,” Jim admitted. “But do you want to tell me?”

“You’re my captain.” She hesitated as though unsure she wanted to say what she said next. “And you’re my friend.”

“Okay. So?”

“Remember the shore leave we had?” She was looking down at her hands now.

“Yeah, of course.” Jim frowned. “But that was three months ago.”

Uhura nodded.

“I don’t get it. You and Spock were together, so how—”

“Don’t you?” She sighed. “We were technically together in that neither of us had been brave enough to tell the other we were done. But Spock and I hadn’t slept together since a couple of months before that. We spent hardly any time together. We’d stopped going to each other’s quarters. We were sort of going through the motions, if you could call it that, but he didn’t want me. Spock wanted you. I knew it. I just didn’t want to admit it.”

Jim swallowed. “So, you cheated on him?”

Uhura’s eyes grew sad. “Yes. I’m not proud of not breaking it off before that, but I also hadn’t planned it. If you recall, Spock spent that shore leave following you around.”

That was true. Jim had thought it just a little strange that Spock wanted to spend the leave with him and Bones rather than Uhura. He hadn’t really thought about it that closely though. It hadn’t been that different than the way Spock had been acting with him for months. It seemed different now though with his new perspective. Part of him felt bad for Uhura. She had been watching Spock pull away from her and fall in love with Jim for months.

“It just sort of happened with a guy I met at a club that night,” Uhura continued. Her bottom lip was trembling and her dark eyes were beginning to glisten.

“Hey.” He covered her hand with his. “It’s okay. I’m not judging you.”

“Really?” His heart ached at the hope he heard in her voice. “I judge myself sometimes.”

“We all make mistakes, Nyota. And like you said, you and Spock were essentially over.”

“Yes.”

“I bet he forgave you, didn’t he?”

She smiled a little. “He did.”

“Then that’s what matters. All the rest? It’s no one else’s business, including mine.”

She exhaled. “You really are the best captain, you know that? But don’t let it get to your head.”

“I’ll try not to,” he agreed with a smile. “What about the father?”

“I have no idea how to get in touch with him even if I wanted to,” Uhura admitted. “And I don’t. It was just a fling. He had no intention of becoming a father that night.”

He nodded. “We’ll have to notify Starfleet.”

“I know. I’m prepared for all that. I guess. It’s a big change. Or will be.”

“I won’t like to lose you when it’s time,” Jim admitted.

Uhura nodded. “We’ll see if that even happens. It’s a long ways away.”

“True.”

Uhura glanced toward the door and smiled. “There’s your breakfast date.” She stood and squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “Thank you, Captain.”

She stopped to speak to Spock as he approached and then she left the mess room and Spock moved to Jim’s table.

“Not eating?” Jim asked when Spock sat down without obtaining food.

“In a moment.” Spock tilted his head. “You were speaking with Nyota.”

“She sought me out and told me everything.”

Spock nodded. “She had told me about shore leave during the dissolution of our relationship.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It is through no fault of yours.”

“I know.” Jim shook his head. “I know you know humans apologize when they feel bad about something that’s happened to another.”

“It is illogical.”

Jim smiled a little. “Probably.”

“I do not blame Nyota. We were not really together then. I had even left her to spend her shore leave on her own.”

“Yeah, she told me that, too.”

Spock eyed Jim’s pancakes. “You are not eating.”

“They’re kind of gross,” Jim admitted.

Spock pushed back his chair and stood. “I will return.”

A couple of minutes later he returned with tea and two bowls of fruit, one of which he placed in front of Jim.

“You’re as bad as Bones.”

“I would prefer not to be compared to the doctor.”

Jim stabbed at the artificially colored ‘fruit’. “How’d you sleep?”

“My rest was satisfactory,” Spock replied. “And yours?”

Jim shrugged.

“Not well? Do you still have a headache from your fight with the prisoner?”

“A little one, yeah. I saw Bones already this morning though and the swelling’s gone down. I should be fine by the time we get to Sarpeidon.”

“I read the Starfleet report this morning. The system’s sun is going supernova and they must be evacuated.”

Jim nodded. “They’re the only inhabited planet in that system. We should make orbit in five hours.”

“Five hours, three minutes and fourteen seconds,” Spock corrected.

Jim laughed. “Yeah. So, um, slow, huh?”

Spock’s lips curved ever so slightly. “Perhaps not that slow.”

Jim perked up at that. “Meaning?”

“When the mission with Sarpeidon has been completed, perhaps we could go to the next level.”

Spock spoke calmly and coolly like it was no big deal and he was not affected.

“And what is the next level?” Jim moved his hand toward Spock’s, stroking his fingertips across the top of Spock’s hand. Which earned him the reaction he had hoped for…Spock shivered.

Spock’s gaze fixed on him, his dark eyes so intense, Jim’s breath stilled. “I believe it is exactly what both of us desire,” he said softly.

Jim licked his lips, even as he noticed Spock watched his every move. If he didn’t distract himself he’d end up reporting to the bridge with a great big hard-on. He removed his hand from Spock’s and tried to focus on his fruit.

“I apologize, Captain,” Spock murmured, his gaze sliding away.

Jim nodded. “Indeed, Mr. Spock. We both need to be functional.”

Spock sipped his tea and ate some of his fruit. “Then we are agreed on the next step?”

“I think so.” Jim grinned. “And now, I really do need to report to the bridge.” 

“I will join you.” They stood and walked side by side to the turbolift and Jim tried to keep his mind of that next step.   


	5. All Our Yesterdays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Challenge was a worm hole and the words "Bones was right"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begins the angst

“Jim! Jim, are you all right?”

Bones followed after Jim as he hurried down the corridor from the transporter room.

“I’m fine, Bones,” Jim insisted.

Bones put a hand on Jim’s arm, abruptly stopping him short of the turbolift. “The hell you are. You’ve been acting weird since we met up again on Sarpeidon. I want to see you in sickbay.”

“Well, I don’t want to be seen. There’s nothing physically wrong with me. You and Spock were the ones nearly freezing to death down there. I was just accused of being a witch.”

Bones stared at him. “This is me, Jim. Talk to me. Is this about what I told you? Listen—”

“There is _nothing_ to talk about. Now can I go? I’m in need of about three days sleep and I only have about six hours.”

“This isn’t over, Jim,” Bones said. “But you’re right. You need sleep. And something to eat too.”

“Thanks, Bones.” Jim slipped into the turbolift and shut it before Bones changed his mind or worse Spock arrived. Just as he stepped into the lift he noticed Spock coming down the corridor toward his position.

Jim leaned against the wall of the lift and blew out a breath. He wasn’t suffering from any injuries, just as he had told Bones, but he was suffering. From heartache.

The lift opened onto the deck with his quarters and Jim made his way down the hall.

The first thing he did was take a long hot shower. A water shower. Fuck it. He didn’t want just a sonic shower. If some of the wetness came from his eyes instead of the shower, well, there was no one there but him to notice.

Jim got into bed after and hoped sleep would claim him before he had too long to think.

****

Jim was eating breakfast with Bones and Scotty when Spock appeared with his tray of fruit and tea. Even though Jim had barely sat down himself, he stood immediately. Bones, Scotty, and Spock looked at him in surprise.

“I, uh, I have this thing to do. Just remembered.”

Bones frowned. “What thing?”

“The thing I told you about before,” Jim said, hoping the desperation he heard in his voice was his imagination.

“Oh, that thing.” Bones nodded to Jim’s relief. “I remember now.”

Jim smiled at him. He deserved a pay increase. “Anyway, gotta go.”

Jim didn’t miss the very tiny frown on Spock’s face.

When Jim reached the turbolift, Uhura stepped in after him.

“Good morning,” she said with a smile.

Jim nodded politely. “Lieutenant. How are you feeling?”

“Not too bad. A little morning sickness. Nothing I can’t handle.” She tilted her head. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you aren’t.” She stopped the turbolift. “What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Did Spock do something?” She sighed. “I know as well as anyone that he’s not the most sensitive guy. Did you have a fight?”

Jim laughed, though it was hardly funny. “A fight? No. Why would we? Spock and I are just…we’re nothing.”

Uhura frowned. “Nothing?”

“Well, friends. Yeah. We’re friends.”

She bit her lip. “But weren’t you…I mean I thought Spock said—”

Jim just shook his head.

“Is this about Zarabeth?” she demanded.

It took everything Jim had not to wince.

Uhura stared at him. “Spock told me about her. Down on the planet in the ice age.”

“Did he?” Something inside him froze. Maybe out of desperation.

“I thought he did. Was there-was there something else?”

Jim wanted to feel numb. God, he did. But it wasn’t working. It took him two times to get the words out. “He—you know—he liked her. A lot.”

“What do you mean, Jim?” Her eyes widened. “You’re not saying—”

Jim nodded, looking away. His heart ached like it might burst out of his chest.

“How do you know?” she whispered.

“Bones. He was there.” He closed his eyes. It only hurt more. How could it continue to feel worse? “And Spock wanted to stay with her.”

“What?”

“Bones had to force him to try to find me and a way to escape. He was going to stay there for-forever with her.” Jim opened his eyes to look at her. “I know he was suffering from whatever was happening down there on Sarpeidon. It made him become like the ancient Vulcans. Throwing logic out the window. But it didn’t make him fall in love with her. That was all him. And not only did he sleep with her—when he fucking wanted to take it _slow_ with me— but he wanted to fucking _stay_ with her. Leave the Enterprise behind. Leave _me_ behind. How am I supposed to take that?”

He felt shredded and torn open in a way he had never felt before. With all of the heartache he’d ever been through, nothing had compared to this.

“Jim,” Uhura said, placing her hand on his arm. “You need to talk to him. I know how much Spock cares about you. There’s no way he would have done this on purpose.”

“Well, he did and I don’t want to talk to him, Nyota. Bones told me that any kind of relationship with Spock would be a mistake and Bones was right.”

The ship suddenly lurched and Jim was slammed into the side. He held out a hand to keep Uhura from doing the same.

“What the hell?”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Jim got the turbolift going again. “What was that, Mr. Sulu?”

“There’s a wormhole, sir.”

“I’ll be right there.”

The doors opened onto the bridge and Jim went to his chair and Uhura to her station. “Onscreen.”

The screen flashed and the wormhole appeared. It was huge. The turbolift doors opened again and he glanced behind to see Spock going to his station.

“Can we avoid it, Mr. Spock?”

“Affirmative, Captain. I’ll send the coordinates to Mr. Sulu’s station.”

Ten minutes later, Sulu announced with a smile, “We’re around it, Captain. Back on course for Hilayious 5.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sulu. Warp 4.” Jim rose from his seat. He intended to pay Bones a visit. “You have the con, Commander,” he told Spock as he headed once more for the turbolift.

“Captain.”

Jim froze, but did not turn around. “Yes, Mr. Spock?”

“If you are free later, after shift, I would like a word with you.”

“Actually, my schedule’s pretty full today, so maybe another time?” Jim still had not looked at him.

There was a long pause. Then Spock said quietly, “As you wish, Captain.”

It hurt. It hurt like hell. But Jim just didn’t know what to do about it. He stepped onto the turbolift and let the doors close after him.


	6. Spock's Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the challenge Spock had to make a mistake and the crew had to be temporarily reassigned to a new ship.

Spock looked up from his station when he caught Jim swearing softly from the captain’s chair. He was staring at the controls on the chair, his brows furrowed.

This was not the Enterprise. It had been damaged so badly in a battle with the Klingons near Hilayious 5 that it had to be space docked for two months for repairs currently being done at Starbase 4. The ship they had been assigned to temporarily was called the USS Bradbury. The same ship Spock had been briefly assigned to after the Nibiru incident and before Khan’s attack. It was smaller than what they were used to and some crew members had to double up in quarters.

Jim had been less than pleased by the ship reassignment, especially since Mr. Scott had stayed behind on Starbase 4 to oversee repairs on the Enterprise.

Spock wished to check on Jim and see if he could assist him but Jim was not encouraging. Ever since they had returned from the disastrous mission on Sarpeidon Jim had avoided Spock as though he could not tolerate the sight of Spock. He did not blame Jim. Spock was not overly fond of himself at present either.

When Jim stood up at the end of his shift to enter the turbolift, Spock rose also and joined him. It had been three days since his last attempt to engage Jim in a conversation that was not about a planet or the warp drive.

Jim stood stiff and at attention inside the lift, his gaze straight ahead. There was a tightness around his shoulders, jaw and mouth that Spock had not witnessed since their very early days of serving together. Spock’s side ached with the pain of loss. For a while, too short of a time now Spock realized, he had believed this man would be his. But Spock had made an unforgivable mistake.

“Captain,” Spock ventured.

“Mr. Spock?”

It was always Mr. Spock or Commander now. Never simply Spock. Humans had subtle ways of distancing themselves from others and this was what Jim was doing now, Spock knew.  

“If you have a moment—”

“I don’t actually. I have several reports I need to do.” Finally Jim looked at Spock. Jim attempted a smile as a way of softening his words, but Spock had experienced his smiles—real ones before—and this was not one of those. “Sorry, Mr. Spock.”

For a moment Spock found it difficult to breathe. They had shared kisses just before Sarpeidon. Feverish kisses. They had talked about their next step. Spock had hoped—and believed—it would be the start of an amorous relationship with Jim, one that would become a bond in the way of his people, that would connect Jim and Spock for the rest of their lives.

But then there had been…Zarabeth.

Though Spock’s mistake was his own, he found himself loathing that name. Loathing her. Logic had little to do with what was happening to Spock now.

****

Part of Spock wondered if he should just let it go. Perhaps it was better if he were not involved with Jim. After all, Jim was his captain, which came with its own complications, and probably the most emotional, volatile human Spock had ever met. And the most compelling.

There were numerous logical reasons for not pursuing Jim. And one very strong illogical one Spock was unable to deny.

As Spock entered sickbay in pursuit of Dr. McCoy he tried not to let his illogical anger at the doctor get in the way of his purpose for being there.

Dr. McCoy was currently complaining about none of the medical instruments being in the same place as they had been on the Enterprise.

As it had not been anyone’s fault but Spock’s own, it was also not Dr. McCoy’s fault for telling Jim of Spock’s mistake before he’d had a chance to do so. No one cared more about Jim than Dr. McCoy for which Spock was gratified. And realistically Spock didn’t believe Jim would have reacted better hearing the truth from him rather than McCoy.

“Spock, what can I do for you?” McCoy asked, finally noticing Spock’s presence.

“I would like a private word.”

“All right.” McCoy started walking toward a door, stopped, shook his head, and then turned around in the other direction. “Don’t know where anything is around here.”

They entered a small conference room and the doctor took a seat. So did Spock.

Spock decided to get right to the point. “Did you advise the captain it was unwise to be in a relationship with me?”

“I don’t believe I phrased it in those exact words. I didn’t tell him not to do it, I simply suggested he be cautious about it.” The doctor shrugged. “Why?”

“Nyota informed me that you told him not to become involved.”

“As I said, I expressed reservations.”

“Why did you find me potentially unsuitable as a romantic partner for the captain?”

“You’re very different, Spock. He runs hot and passionate. Very emotional. As you no doubt would agree.”

Spock nodded.

“You are reserved, you restrain your emotions in favor of logic. You find emotional outbursts repugnant. That’s a volatile mix especially between two people who are as stubborn as the two of you. Jim needs someone who is very patient and understanding. I’m just not certain you are capable of that. I have personally witnessed you lose your temper with him. Violently.”

“He deliberately provoked me into emotional compromise.”

“Jim has a provoking personality, Spock.” McCoy shook his head. “Physical attraction, chemistry, that’s one thing. But making it work once you get past all that? That’s a lot of work.”

“You also told him about Zarabeth.”

“I did, yeah.” McCoy sighed. “Look, Spock, that was unintentional.  We’d just been reunited down there. He was asking questions about her, he knew there’d been someone in that ice age with us. At first he was joking around. I think he thought maybe I had been interested in her. He goes at something like a dog on a bone. It just came out that it was you. And before I knew it he was asking more questions. I’m sorry.”

“The fault remains with me,” Spock acknowledged. “I would have been forced to explain my actions eventually.”

“I know, but maybe it would have been better coming from you. I don’t know.”

“He will not speak to me.”

McCoy winced. “I’m sorry about that, Spock. I really am.”

Spock exhaled slowly. “I came here in the hope that you would be able to provide me with advice as to how to reach him.”

“Me?”

“No one knows him better than you, doctor. I have spoken with Nyota but all she was able to tell me was that Jim is very hurt. I was able ascertain that for myself.”

“Well, what do you want out of this, Spock?”

“Clarify.”

“Do you want to return to friendship or—”

“Negative,” Spock interrupted. “The captain and I were about to embark on a romantic partnership.”

“So you still want that?”

Spock arched a brow.  Yes, he still wanted it. Wanted a life with Jim. “Why would I change my mind? Your opinions on my suitability notwithstanding, I want what I have wanted for sixteen months, two weeks, five hours and fifty minutes.”

“Can you be more precise?” McCoy rolled his eyes. “Just kidding.”

“As you can imagine I do not find myself in a humorous mood.”

“Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t. Put yourself in his shoes, Spock. If he did what you did, how would you feel, and what would it take to convince you to take a chance with him? And while you’re at it? Try some groveling too.”

Spock did not know how to grovel. But McCoy was right. He would need to learn. 


	7. Lab Accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My challenges for this chapter were a bio accident, a battle, and a birthday.

Spock was standing outside Jim’s quarters when he stepped out of them. For a moment, Jim paused, and almost reached out to touch him. Then everything came back all at once—as if any of it could really leave his mind—and without a word, Jim turned and headed down the corridor toward the turbolift. Spock followed after him.

“Captain, I would like a word with you.”

“Ship’s business, Mr. Spock?”

“No. Personal.”

Jim shook his head as he got in the lift. “I’m on duty.” He flicked a brief glance at the Vulcan. “So are you.”

“I am aware. However, we must discuss what happened on Sarpeidon. I have attempted on no less than twenty occasions to engage you in this topic during leisure time, however, you have avoided me at every opportunity.”

“There’s nothing really to say, Commander,” Jim replied. “I think we need to move on.”

“I would be gratified to do so, but I do not believe that has the same meaning for you as it does for me,” Spock said quietly.

“Perhaps not. But I am not prepared to have that discussion right now.”

“When will you be?”

_Never_.

“I don’t know. But it’s not now. What’s this about a biochemical accident in laboratory four?”

Spock straightened. It seemed obvious he did not wish to change the subject but had resigned himself that Jim had given him little choice. “It is under control and isolated without any contamination in other sectors.”

Jim nodded. “Good. I’d like to return this ship in the condition it was in when we borrowed it.”

Suddenly the ship shook violently and Jim was thrown across the turbolift into the bulkhead. It shook again, in the opposite direction, sending him hard into that side. He crumbled to the ground.

“Jim,” Spock exclaimed, reaching down to assist him to his feet. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah.” Jim stepped away from Spock immediately, putting the distance of another person between them. “You?”

“I am uninjured.”

The turbolift doors opened onto the bridge and they both hurried out.

“Status report, Mr. Sulu?”

“A Klingon Bird of Prey, Captain,” Sulu replied.

“Klingons? What the hell are they doing in this area?” Jim turned to Uhura. “Lieutenant, try to reach their ship. And notify Starfleet command we’re under hostile attack.”

“Aye, sir.”

Jim headed for the captain’s chair just as the Klingon ship on screen fired directly at them. “Raise shields and go to red alert.”

“Aye, Keptin.”

The ship shook violently as their phasers made impact. Jim gripped his chair to keep from flying across the bridge.

“Arm phasers and return fire.” Jim turned toward Uhura. “Damage reports?”

“Coming in from all decks, Captain. Casualty reports, too.”

“Firing phasers, Captain,” Sulu said.

Jim watched the Klingon ship take a direct hit.

“Their shields are at sixty percent, Keptin. Ours are at fifty-two.”

Jim stood up and went to stand between Sulu and Chekov just as the Klingon ship fired again. He felt his body fly through the air as he was thrown into a station.

He heard someone yell, “Captain!” just as his mind went blank.

****

Light appeared underneath his eyelids.

“Well, you’ve gone and done it again.”

He frowned as he struggled to open his eyes. There was a vague stinging pain in his forehead.  He blinked his eyes open at last, only to be greeted with a bright piercing light.

“Fuck me,” he muttered.

The light moved away and he was looking at Bones.

“Morning, princess.”

“What happened?”

“You and the bulkhead of your ship don’t mesh.”

“This isn’t my ship,” Jim replied, mulishly.

“Any ship,” Bones said. “You got yourself a nice gash on that pretty face of yours.”

“Forehead?” Jim raised his hand to feel a bandage just over his eye.

“Yeah. I’ll have that off as soon as I get their dermal regenerator to work.” Bones snorted. “If anyone wants my opinion, this ship sucks.”

Jim struggled to sit up, swayed a little.

“Easy there, tiger.” Bones helped him.

Jim looked around the sickbay. Every bed around him was full. “Was it bad?”

Bones nodded. “Lots of injuries. About sixty dead.”

Jim grimaced. “Fuck. And the Klingons?”

“Turned tail and ran after Spock fired the photons at them. No explanation for the attack. But they’re Klingons, guess they don’t need any other explanation.”

“Can I be released to my quarters?” Jim asked.

“Ordinarily, yes. But that’s another thing I get to tell you since you aren’t talking to your hobgoblin.”

“I’m talking. Just not about Sarpeidon. So, what?”

“Your quarters were damaged. Pretty much blown apart. Good thing you weren’t asleep or anything when it happened. “

“Ah, shit.”

Bones smirked. “Thought you’d like that. They’re going to have to find you new ones, but right now everything’s pretty crazy with repairs and casualties. You’re probably going to have to stay here for a bit.”

“What about yours?”

“Mine?”

“Were yours damaged?”

“Well, no,” Bones said cautiously.

Jim smiled. “Can’t I stay with you?”

“With me?”

“Come on, Bones, you know I hate sickbay.”

Bones folded his arms across his chest. “You sure about that? You seem to visit here an awful lot.”

“Funny. It’s only temporary, right? While they find me new quarters or until we get the Enterprise back.” Which reminded Jim he needed to contact Scotty and find out where they were with that. He wanted his ship back.

“You could stay with Spock. His quarters weren’t damaged.”

The muscle in Jim’s jaw jumped. “No, I can’t.”

Bones sighed. “You’re going to have to deal with this eventually, Jim.”

“Deal with what?”

“You and Spock.”

“There is no me and Spock. And there isn’t going to be.”

“Jim—”

“Drop it,” Jim said sharply.

Bones looked like he very much wanted to argue but he closed his mouth.

“Your quarters? Please.”

“Fine, you win. You always win,” Bones grumbled.

Jim grinned. “I have the extra stripes that’s why.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t I know it. You love to pull rank.” Bones handed him a PADD. “I want you here for a couple of more hours, so I can take care of that cut. So, I’ll be back. But you might want to contact your mom.”

“Mom?” Jim frowned. And then he remembered. “Oh shit. Yeah. Thanks, Bones.”

As Bones moved away from his biobed, Jim leaned back against the headboard, adjusting the pillow behind his back. He pushed the necessary buttons and then waited.

His mother’s smiling face appeared a few minutes later. “Jimmy.”

“Mom, Happy Birthday!”

“Thank you, I…wait a minute. Is that a bandage. Are those bruises I see?”

Jim winced. “Er, maybe.”

“What happened?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Don’t tell me it’s nothing. My baby’s been injured.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I’m hardly a baby.”

She smiled. “You’ll always be my baby. Spit it out. What happened?”

He sighed and prepared to tell his mother all about it.


	8. New Quarters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Challenge was new quarters and a surprising move by the Romulans

“What’s happened now?” Nyota asked Spock as they sat in the mess room drinking tea.

Spock was looking at his PADD. He looked up at her. “Clarify.”

“You look like you’ve been kicked,” she said gently. “Is it Kirk?”

“He is temporarily staying in Dr. McCoy’s quarters.”

“Well, his _were_ destroyed.”

“I would have hoped—” Spock stopped. Hope was illogical. And apparently impossible with regard to his relationship with Jim.

“You wanted him to bunk with you?”

“It would have been the logical choice.” He paused. “If he were still interested in pursuing a relationship with me.”

“He’s been hurt, Spock. He’ll come around.”

“I do not know if that is true. He is unwilling to even discuss it.” Or anything with Spock that did not involve ship’s business. They were less than friends now. And Spock had only himself to blame for the insurmountable rift between them.

“Well, if there’s anything I’ve learned about James Tiberius Kirk it is that he’s incredibly stubborn. You’ll have to be just as stubborn as he is, Spock.”

“I am uncertain I can do it,” Spock admitted.

Nyota sighed. “Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be then. Sometimes it’s better to just forget about it. Love doesn’t always work out. Look at you and me.”

Spock stared down at his PADD. “You think I should give up?”

She touched his hand gently until he met her gaze. “You’ve wanted Jim Kirk since…well for a long time. We both knew it and pretended it wasn’t true. You can now get him. There’s nothing stopping you, Spock.”

“Jim is stopping me.”

“Are you really going to allow that to happen? Everything you’ve ever wanted is there for you to have, Spock. So, it’s a battle. Life isn’t easy. You know that. If you don’t want to fight for it. For him. For you. Then, sure, give up and forget about it. I don’t think that’s what you want, Spock. You want that arrogant, swaggering, cocky boy from Iowa that exudes vulnerability.” She paused. “Don’t you?”

Spock nodded.

Nyota smiled. “Then I guess you know what you have to do.”

Spock did not know. He found humans and their emotions and their psychology puzzling at best. He had wronged Jim. He knew that. But he was uncertain what he could do to change Jim’s mind.

****

“What? Why did they do that?” Jim asked Admiral Jeffers who was now gazing at him from the screen in his quarters.

“That’s a good question, of course,” Jeffers said. “But it’s the Romulans. Do they ever do what is expected of them?”

Jim steepled his fingers. “You have a point. So what do we do?”

“Stay out of that sector for now,” she replied. “We have people trying to figure out what the next move might be with the Romulans.”

“War?”

“Preferably not. No one wants that.”

“Do the Romulans?”

“I don’t think so. They went out of their way to disavow any sort of connection with Nero’s actions, if you recall.”

Jim’s jaw tightened. “I recall.”

Jeffers smiled. “You should be grateful to stay out of this thing with the Romulans, Jim. You have enough to do.”

“When do I get my ship back?”

“The Bradbury giving you problems?”

“I had problems before the Klingons attacked and now…let me count the ways.”

“You probably know better than I do. Haven’t you talked to your engineer?”

“Yeah, Scotty says he’s working as fast as he can. He always says that,” Jim grumbled.

She laughed. “I have to go.”

“Thanks, Deb. For everything. I know you helped with the Prime Directive situation.”

She shrugged. “I owed you.”

Jim shook his head but he smiled. “You didn’t owe me anything.”

“Take care of yourself, Jim. And if you hear any rumors—”

“Will do. Thanks, Admiral. Kirk out.”

Jim stood and went to the replicator to get himself a cup of coffee. His door beeped for entry. “Come.”

Bones stepped inside. He walked over to the table Jim had already set up and sat down.

“What do you want?” Jim asked.

“Surprise me,” Bones said. “The chicken tastes like fish and the fish tastes like rock dust.”

Jim chuckled. “Chicken it is.”

He came to the table with two plates of grilled-like chicken and baked potatoes.

“Drink?”

Bones got up himself. “I’ll have the same swill you’re having.” He grimaced at the coffee that came out. “Is it my imagination or is this coffee worse than the crap on the Enterprise?”

“Everything’s worse on here.”

“What’s new?” Bones asked cutting a piece of his chicken.

“The Romulans are up to something.”

“That’s not new. They’re always up to something.”

“They took over an outpost in Sector Fourteen.”

Bones frowned. “Fourteen? Well that’s in the middle of fucking nowhere. What’s in Fourteen anyway?”

“Romulans,” Jim replied with a smirk. “A couple of planets. Mostly sparsely populated. The outpost had maybe fifty people.”

“They kill them?”

“Doesn’t seem like it. They transported them to one of the planets I guess.” Jim shook his head. “Fleet’s on alert.”

Bones nodded and looked around. “What do you think of your new quarters? Seems a little tight.”

“Yeah, to put it mildly. But at least I’m out of your hair.”

“I didn’t mind you hanging around. I barely noticed.” Bones ate several bites of chicken. “Odd that the only quarters available for you were on a completely different deck from Spock’s.”

Jim took a swallow of coffee. “Why is that odd?”

“You couldn’t have put yourself further away from your first officer.”

“Sure I could. Another ship.”

Bones frowned. “You aren’t going to do that, are you?”

“No.” Jim poked at his chicken. “Anyway, the ship was damaged. I had to take whatever was available. Not my fault it was nowhere near Spock.”

“Just a coincidence huh?”

“What else?”

“Have you talked to him? You gonna eat that or poke it until it gets up and runs away?”

Jim sighed and put a piece in his mouth, chewed and swallowed. He wrinkled his nose. “That really is bad. Should have gone with the rock dust.”

“Avoidance again.”

“I don’t know what I would say to him, Bones.”

“Jim, I know you’re hurt—”

“Hurt, yeah.” Jim laughed bitterly. “To put it mildly. Bones, I know you mean well, but if I don’t want to talk to Spock about it, I sure as hell don’t want to talk to anyone.”

“I think it’s unhealthy to bottle this all inside.”

“I’m not. There’s nothing to keep inside. Spock and I were going to get together and now we’re not. End of story.”

“Despite all your denials, this is eating you up, Jim. You’re still in love with Spock.”

“I’ll get over it. Over him. It just wasn’t meant to be, Bones. I would have thought you’d be glad. You told me not to get involved.”

“I’ll never be glad you’re hurt, Jim. If Spock makes you happy—”

“Well, he doesn’t. Now can we change the subject? Tell me about your daughter.”

Bones smiled. “If you insist.”


	9. Debriefing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Challenge was: Debriefing, Dress Uniforms and a Doppelganger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be a little hard for Spock lovers, but after this chapter (and perhaps the next) things will begin to get a bit better.

“God, I hate this.” Jim tugged on his dress uniform jacket. “Did I get bigger or has it always been this tight?”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Relax, you look as beautiful as usual.”

Spock glanced their way from where he stood stiffly to the side. Jim ignored him.

“The sooner this debriefing is finished the sooner we can get to the Enterprise.”

“Agreed. M’Benga’s already on her. Says she looks good.”

“Yeah?” Jim grinned. “It’s been so long since I had my hands all over her.”

Bones chuckled. “Calm down, Romeo. You’ll get your lady back before the day is over.”

Jim finally turned to where Spock stood, also wearing his dress uniform, as was Bones. “Ready, Commander?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Spock joined them as they left the corridor, headed for the room where they’d meet with the commodore on Starbase 4 where the Enterprise had been docked for repairs.

Jim noticed Bones had placed himself between Jim and Spock as they walked, for which Jim was grateful. Things weren’t any better between him and Spock. In fact, probably worse. It was Jim’s fault for that, he knew. He needed to get past everything and at least be civil with Spock, if not friends. But every time he tried, he imagined Spock fucking Zarabeth. Not that he’d actually seen Zarabeth in person. But he’d seen pictures of her on Sarpeidon’s computers.  

They had almost reached the meeting room when Jim saw her. His steps faltered, his breaths shortened in his chest. “Ruth?”

The woman, a beautiful blonde in a Starbase uniform with Lieutenant’s stripes, stopped and gave Jim a puzzled smile. “No, I’m sorry, Captain. I’m Martha Owens.”

Jim shook her hand. “Nice to meet you. Sorry. You look exactly like a woman I knew years ago.”

Her smile widened and became flirtatious. She cast barely a glance at Bones and Spock. “They do say everyone has a doppelganger.”

He laughed. “Yes, they do.” He noticed she had yet to release his hand.

“Captain Kirk, right?”

“Yes. How did you know? I don’t think I’m wearing any signs.”

“Oh, everyone knows you, sir. You’re Starfleet’s version of a celebrity. It’s an honor to meet you, sir.”

“The honor is mine, Lieutenant.” Jim carefully extracted his hand. “I do have to go. I have a meeting.”

“Of course. Perhaps we could get a drink later?”

Jim smiled. “Maybe.”

“I’ll contact you,” she promised as she moved off.

Bones smirked. “A new way of picking up women, Jim?”

Jim laughed. “No. She really did look just like Ruth.”

“Who is Ruth?” Spock asked quietly.

“A girl I knew on Tarsus. She didn’t make it.” Jim sighed. “I knew it couldn’t be her. She just…wow. She really looked just like her. Or what I guess she would look like when she got older.” Jim straightened. “Anyway, let’s get this meeting over with.”

****

The meeting was over, they were released from the Starbase, and could get on the Enterprise and prepare to leave, once all the crew had transferred over from the Bradbury. Jim was anxious to get to the Enterprise, his mind off all else.

“Captain, may I speak with you privately?”

“Yeah, sure,” Jim said absently.

Bones gave him a funny look but then squeezed his shoulder. “I’ll see you on the ship.” And then Bones was walking away and Jim realized he had just agreed to talk to Spock privately. Ah, shit.

He forced his expression to be a mask of indifference. “What is it?”

Spock stood stiffly, his hands clenched behind his back. “That woman.”

He blinked. “What woman?”

“Lieutenant Owens.”

“Oh. Right. What about her?”

“You intend to engage in coitus with her?”

“What? Well, I hadn’t—”

Spock became stiffer still. “You would be within your rights to do so under the circumstances.”

“Under the…circumstances.”

“Yes. Considering my own actions, you would have the right to engage in sexual relations with her. ”

Jim swore. Spock looked taken aback.

“I don’t believe this. Are you-are you implying I should have some sort of revenge fuck?”

“I did not—”

“Yes, you did. Within my rights? You’re damn correct I’d be within my rights. But not because of some twisted idea of— you fucking cheated on me so I’m going to cheat on you, Spock.”

“Please lower your voice.”

“You know why I’d be within my rights, Spock?” Jim continued heedlessly. “Because there is no us. I can have sexual relations with whoever I want to. There’s no you and me I need to concern myself with because you know damn well you took care of that possibility already. Anything I do in my private life is none of your business. None. Do you get that, Commander?”

Spock did not reply but he did look vaguely stricken.

“I don’t know what kind of person you think I am, Spock. But I don’t go around having revenge sex. That doesn’t make what you did okay. And I can’t even believe you would think it did.”

“That was not my intention.”

“What is your intention? Because honestly I don’t think I know you at all. And I can’t believe you’re making me do this here. But okay. Whatever.”

“Jim—”

“What was it, Spock? What was so different about Zarabeth that you didn’t want to go slow with her? Was it because she was a woman? Was that it? You’ve never been with a guy before, have you?”

“No,” Spock admitted quietly.

“I thought so. You wanted to go slow with me because the truth was you didn’t think you could-you could with me. And the first attractive _woman_ that came around and you were all over her. I get it. I’m a risk. I’m unproven territory.”

Spock shook his head. “I believed we were trapped there. She told me we could not leave.”

Jim nodded. “And you just accepted what she said. Didn’t even try to find out if she lied or was mistaken. I would have never stopped looking for a way out of there, a way back to you. In fact, I didn’t. The whole time I was being accused of being a witch and in prison, I looked for a way. But you just gave up on me. On us.”

“It was not like that,” Spock said, his voice strained.

“No?” Jim felt his throat tighten with emotion. “What was it like then?”

Spock did not reply, he just stared at Jim, his dark eyes pained and turbulent.

“Yeah. I’ve got a ship to run, Commander. And you have duties to attend to. See to them.”

Jim turned on his heel and walked away, more anxious than ever to get to the Enterprise.


	10. Too Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Challenge: Survey of a new planet and a difficult command decision

“The planet’s destabilizing, Commander,” Sulu declared, turning around to look at Spock, who sat in the captain’s chair. Sulu appeared anxious. “It’s breaking up, sir.”

Presently Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy, Lieutenant Uhura, and Lieutenant Hendorff were on that planet, a new class M planet currently known only as M-26. They’d been conducting an analysis for hours. An ensign had beamed up previously with tricorder readings.  

“Spock to the transporter room.”

“Scott here.”

“Mr. Scott, why are you in the transporter room?” Spock asked.

“There’s a wee bit o’ trouble with her and make no mistake.”

“Trouble? Is it not functional?”

“Aye, it’s functional. Sort of.”

“Clarify. The planet below is breaking up and the captain and the others need to be beamed up at once.”

“Aye, I know that. The captain has already been in contact with us. Says they are experiencing severe earthquakes.”

“And will you be able to beam up the landing party or not, Mr. Scott?” Spock demanded, keeping his voice level and calm.

“Three of them, aye.”

Spock clenched his fist, then relaxed it when he realized what he was doing. “Only three?”

“At first. I’ll get the first three up and then the other one will follow.” Scott paused. “It should work.”

“Is the captain aware of this?”

“Well, no. I was about to contact him when you commed, Commander.”

Spock hit another button. “Enterprise to Captain Kirk.”

Even as Spock called he saw further cracking of the planet on the screen.

“Kirk here.”

“Captain, the planet is not stable and we are attempting to return you to the Enterprise.”

“Yeah, I know.” Spock heard a loud boom. “Fuck.”

“Captain?”

  Jim’s communicator warbled. “…the unstable atmosphere that’s breaking up the planet is affecting the ship. Spock, we need to get the Enterprise out of here.”

“Agreed. However not without you and the others.”

“All right. We’re ready. The ground's splitting all around us. There’s not much time.”

“Acknowledged. Mr. Scott has advised he must beam up first three and then one.”

Silence. Then, “Ah, hell.”

“Captain?”

“I’ve got it, Commander. Kirk out.”

“Jim—” But of course Jim had disconnected.

Spock stood. “Mr. Sulu, you have the con.”

He entered the turbolift and made his way to the transporter room. He knew exactly who would stay behind while the other three beamed back to the Enterprise. He did not like it one bit.

Scott was behind the controls with the nervous looking chief beside him. “All right. Here goes.”

Spock waited as, after a little bit of wobbling, Nyota, McCoy and Hendorff appeared on the transporter pads. Though he had expected it, Spock’s heart ached not to see Jim.

He turned to Scott as the others got off the transporter. “Mr. Scott?”

“Working on it, Mr. Spock.”

McCoy, Nyota and Hendorff stood waiting. Nyota clenched her hands together nervously. Hendorff had a large bandage wrapped around his left shoulder.

“You need to get to sickbay, Hendorff,” McCoy told him.

“I know, sir. I just—the captain.”

McCoy nodded and refocused on the transporter. The entire room collectively held their breaths.

“The planet has broken up, Commander,” Sulu said over the intercom.

“Jesus,” McCoy exclaimed.

Nyota gasped.

Spock stared hard at Scott. “Commander Scott, do you have the captain?”

Scott pulled the lever. “Aye, sir.”

“You are certain?”

“Well, now, there’s always a wee bit of doubt, isn’t there?”

The transporter activated and Spock turned toward the pad.

Jim appeared, fully materialized. There was a red gash across his forehead, but otherwise he appeared uninjured as he stepped off the pad. He went to the comm on the wall. “Mr. Sulu, get us out of here now.”

“Aye, sir,” Sulu said, the relief and pleasure in his voice apparent.

“Thank God,” Nyota murmured.

“All right, Jim,” McCoy grumbled. “I want you in sickbay. Come on Hendorff.” Hendorff was smiling as he followed McCoy out.

Jim spared a quick glance for Spock and then exited the transporter room. Spock went past Nyota even as she opened her mouth to say something to him and out the door.

“Captain, I would like a word.”

Jim kept moving. “Not now, Spock.”

“Yes, now.” Spock caught up to him and dragged him into a nearby conference room.

“What the hell?”

“You persist in endangering your life to the detriment of this crew.”

“Are you fucking serious? I didn’t know that planet was gonna go.”

“You did not,” Spock agreed. “But it was a routine mission that did not require your presence. I could have gone in your place. I should have gone in your place.”

“This is bullshit.”

“It is not. You risked your life and nearly left this ship without her captain. Again.”

Jim sucked in a breath. “I had to make the decision I did. Uhura is pregnant, Hendorff was injured, and Bones is the CMO. I was the expendable one. It was the _logical_ choice. Do you think I wanted to stay down there like that?”

“You are not expendable. The captain—”

“Oh, spare me. I made the decision and it’s over. I’m fucking fine.”

Spock stared at Jim, feeling his control slipping. “If you care not for yourself, think about others. For once.”

“Others? What others?”

“Me.”

Jim’s eyes widened. “You?”

“You know very well I still have strong feelings where you are concerned and your deciding we will not be together does not change them. You cannot change them simply with your own stubborn will.”

“As I said,” Jim said slowly, carefully. “I am fine. Now Bones wants me to report to sickbay. Is there anything else, Commander, or are we finished here?”

Spock wanted to say they were far from finished. But he could not. He nodded curtly. “Yes, Captain.”

Jim paused a moment, his gaze searching Spock’s. For a moment Spock almost saw a softening in the blue. Then he too nodded. “Good. Report to the bridge.”

Jim turned and left the conference room.

Spock had never felt so alone. 


	11. Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Challenge was: A twist of fate and dinner.

Jim had a bitch of a headache as he left the conference room where he’d spent the last twelve hours in negotiations with a species that called themselves the Lotharians. And their previously sworn enemies the Movarians. Or something like that.

The two sides had agreed to meet on a neutral planet, Alpha Twelve, which was where the Enterprise was currently orbiting. Jim looked forward to returning there and sleeping for forty-eight hours. Or weeks. Whatever.

He rounded a corner of the building and ran smack into a hard chest. Attached to someone really tall.

“Whoa, sorry,” the man said. “Jimmy?”

Jim blinked up at the man. A very familiar man, staring back at him with all too similar blue eyes. “Sam?”

His brother, Sam, grinned. “Oh, my God. I don’t believe this.” He pulled Jim into a tight hug.

“Sam, I can’t breathe,” Jim protested.

“You wouldn’t be able to talk if you couldn’t breathe.” But Sam released him. Sort of. He still held Jim’s biceps in a very strong grip. “I can’t believe I ran into my baby brother on Alpha Twelve.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Research work,” Sam replied. “You?”

“Diplomacy.”

Sam laughed. “You? Things have changed. You have time? I’d love to take you to dinner. There’s a great restaurant not far from here.”

“Yeah, let me just contact my ship.”

Sam grinned. “Your ship. That’s so awesome.”

Jim rolled his eyes and pulled out his communicator. He explained the situation and then turned to his waiting brother. “All right. I’m all yours.”

Sam slung an arm around Jim. “This is fate, Jimmy. You and I meeting like this. How long has it been?”

“I don’t know. A few years.”

They made their way out of the building.

Sam stopped and gave Jim a serious look. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there—wasn’t able to come to Earth when—”

“I died?”

Sam exhaled. “Don’t even joke about it.”

“It was no joke, Sam.”

“I know.” He nodded. “I should have been there. It’s just Aurelan  was having Peter and—”

“Sam, I know. Don’t worry about it. Where is Aurelan ? She with you?”

“No. She and Peter are still on Deneva.” Sam touched Jim’s arm. “Come on, let’s go.”

They walked the short distance to the restaurant mostly in silence, save for a few comments about the weather. They were seated in the back of the restaurant.

“How long have you been here?” Jim asked.

“A couple of months. Still have a couple of months to go, too.”

Jim smiled a little as he looked at his brother.

“What?”

“You just…you look a lot like the old holo pics I’ve seen of Dad.”

“Yeah, I guess I do,” Sam agreed. “You look more like Mom.”

“You keep in touch with her?”

“Sure. I called her a couple of days after her birthday,” Sam admitted with a sheepish smile. “You look good, Jimmy. Except for the sadness.”

Jim stiffened. “Sadness?”

Sam nodded. “In your eyes. Want to tell me about it?”

“Not really.”

“Girl trouble? Don’t tell me my little brother finally fell for the one and only woman who would have his heart?”

Jim sighed. “Not even close, Sam. The only lady in my life is the Enterprise.”

“Hmm. There’s something.”

“Yeah, it’s…it’s someone. Just not a woman.” Jim shrugged.

Sam stared at him for a moment. “Oh.”

“You disapprove?”

“Why would I? What you do with your personal life isn’t my business. But you don’t exactly seem happy.”

“I’m not. We’re-we’re not together.”

“Who is this guy? That doctor you spoke of?”

Jim laughed at that. “Bones? No. It’s my first officer. Spock. A Vulcan.”

Sam arched both brows at Jim. “A Vulcan? Really? You surprise me.”

“Why?”

“They’re not exactly known as the warm and fuzzy types. Cold bastards, actually.”

“Not Spock.”

“Then why aren’t you with him?” Sam asked.

“It’s a long story,” Jim said quietly.

“We have a lot of time.”

“There was this planet with an ice age and this woman and—”

“You slept with her?”

Jim felt his chest tighten. “No.”

“He did?”

“Yes. And you know, that fucking hurts, it does. But I could maybe get past that. Everyone makes mistakes. But she asked him to stay there with her forever and he-he wanted to. He didn’t even try to get back to me.”

Sam was quiet. He tapped his fingers on the menu. “Sounds a bit like your pride here.”

“You think so?”

“Maybe. This Spock…is he remorseful?”

“I think so. We haven’t really talked since then.”

“You shut him down.”

“Yeah.”

“A Kirk trait. Listen, Jimmy, I’m not telling you to forgive him or even listen to him. That’s up to you. But you seem really sad and I’d hate for you to regret something later. So think about it.”

Jim stared at his menu. “Okay.”

The waitress came by, an Orion who made no real secret of her interest in both Jim and Sam, and they ordered. She moved away reluctantly.

“What about you and Aurelan ? She really wanted to stay behind on Deneva?”

Sam winced. “Look the truth is, we’re having problems.”

“God, really? The last time I saw you guys, you seemed so together.”

“Things change, Jimmy. We’ve both changed since Peter was born. I can’t even tell you the last time we…well. I took this temporary research job here thinking maybe a few months apart might be good for us.”

“I don’t think separating from each other when you’re having problems is the answer.”

“I sure as hell don’t know what the answer is,” Sam admitted. “The thing is…there’s this girl here. I really like her.”

“Sam, you aren’t—”

Sam avoided Jim’s gaze. “Like I said, things change. I’m not really proud of what I’m doing here. Aurelan  and I both met when we were pretty fucked up with addiction. Once we both got clean, I don’t know. Maybe she didn’t like who I was without all that.”

“You gotta make up your mind what you want, Sam. You can’t keep jerking Aurelan around like this. Whatever your problems, she doesn’t deserve this. And neither does your son.”

“I know that, Jimmy.”

Jim shook his head. “God, what a pair we are.”

“Yeah.” Sam’s smile was strained. “Still it’s really great to see you. It was fate.”

“Yeah. Fate.”

****

Back from Alpha Twelve, and Jim headed to his quarters. He was tired and full of food and maybe too much wine. He was overcome by almost crippling melancholy. Probably the wine was responsible for that. That and seeing his brother, who he really had nothing in common with.

When he got to the officers’ quarters, Jim stared at his quarters and then turned to the one directly next to it. Jim ran his fingers along the outside of the door to Spock’s. The absence of Spock in his life was—

“I miss you,” he whispered. He clenched his eyes shut when he felt the sting of tears. Not now. Not this way.

Jim turned away and entered his own quarters. He wiped angrily at his eyes and headed for his bunk.


	12. Masterpiece Undone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Challenge elements for this week were: A mission, a masterpiece, and Melvaran mud fleas

“How the hell are we going to get out of this anyway?” Jim demanded, his face red with anger.

“You’re the genius, remember?” Dr. McCoy asked from his position leaning on the wall of their cell.

“You’re a big help.”

“I’m sorry, Captain,” Mr. Scott said from the cell next to the one Spock, Jim, and Dr. McCoy occupied. With him in the second cell was Ensign Flowers.

“I know you are, Scotty.”

“It’s just…when that Melvaran mud flea jumped around in my mouth I lost it a wee bit,” Mr. Scott said mournfully.

Jim shared a wide eyed glance with Spock and then turned back to McCoy. “That reminds me. I thought you made those up.”

McCoy frowned. “Made what up?”

“Those mud fleas.”

The doctor snorted. “I didn’t.”

Jim shuddered. “So gross.”

“You’re telling me,” Mr. Scott said. “Which is why I bumped into that thing in the first place.”

Jim turned away from Mr. Scott to walk over to where Spock was currently scanning the cell wall. “Anything?”

“Not so far, Captain. The thickness of the wall seems to be standard throughout the cell.” Spock found some gratification with the way the captain had been acting with him since they’d discussed the mission and the importance to the Federation in having this particular planet as a member. Jim had been acting almost normal with Spock. It was progress anyway.

“I didn’t know it was some ancient masterpiece,” Mr. Scott moaned from the other cell.

“I know, Scotty,” Jim said, with just a touch of annoyance showing through.

Spock knew that meant Jim was highly stressed and he wanted to be able to do something for Jim other than to try to find a way out of their predicament.

Everything had been going fine on the planet, Sharda, until the evening meal had been served. The Shardanians considered Melvaran mud fleas a delicacy. They had been served to the landing party and, as Mr. Scott had stated a short time ago, when one of them had moved in his mouth, he’d been startled into the Shardanian’s ancient masterpiece, a statue of their first queen. The statue had broken into too many pieces to calculate and they’d been thrown into these cells by angry Shardanians. There had been talk of executing the one responsible for the destruction of the masterpiece.

“Captain!’ Ensign Flowers said excitedly.

Jim turned and walked over to the edge of the cell next to where Flowers was crouched on the ground in the one next to it. “What?”

“I found a way to make my communicator work,” Flowers declared. Their communicators hadn’t worked since their arrival on Sharda, but it hadn’t been much of a concern until the planet’s inhabitant’s had turned hostile.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, sir.” Flowers handed Jim his communicator through the bars.

“Kirk to Enterprise. Uhura, come in.”

There was a crackling noise.

“Enterprise to Captain Kirk.” Nyota’s voice.

Jim smiled. “Uhura, thank God. Can you lock onto our coordinates? We need to get out of here now.”

“Having trouble locking on, sir.”

Scott stood up. “If she puts Chekov on, I can tell him how to do it.”

Jim nodded. “Uhura, get Chekov.” He handed the communicator to Scott.

“That’s all well and good, Jim,” McCoy spoke up. “But what are we going to tell Command?”

Jim shrugged. “They don’t want to be friends?”

“Swell.”

There was a sound in the distance, like the unlocking of a door. Then the scraping of footsteps.

“Scotty, hurry.”

“We’re working on it, Captain.”

“A little faster, please.”

Spock stepped closer to Jim. If there was trouble, Spock wanted to be able to prevent Jim from being harmed. Jim glanced at him but said nothing.

The footsteps sounded closer.

“Scotty?”

“Almost, Captain.”

Jim stared at Spock. “Those were some wicked looking weapons they had.”

“Indeed,” Spock agreed, though he was aware that offered no comfort.

“We’re sitting ducks in here.”

Spock was not sure what resting aquatic foul had to do with anything so he chose not to reply to that.

“Jim—”

“Not now, Bones. Scotty?”

“It might not work,” Mr. Scott announced.

“We have no choice. Let’s try.”

“It could leave one of the five of us behind or even—”

Voices of the Shardanians.

“Now, Scotty, goddamn it.”

“Energize, laddie,” Scott said into the communicator.

The transporter activated and there was a little wobble during which none of them moved. Then the Shardanians appeared from around the corner, shouting and firing at them.

The transporter activated again.

They reappeared on the Enterprise. All five of them.

“Holy shit, that was amazing!” Scott crowed jumping off the transporter and rushing to Chekov. The two of them started babbling nonstop. Spock quickly lost interest.

Dr. McCoy was shaking his head and mumbling about being dizzy and going to sickbay. “You coming, Jim?”

Jim smiled. “Nah. I’m fine. I’ve gotta contact Starfleet. I’ll check in with you later.”

McCoy nodded and left the transporter room.

Spock followed Jim out and stepped into place beside him. He cleared his throat. “Would you like assistance with your report to Starfleet Command?”

Jim glanced at him with just a trace of smile, but since it was more than Spock had been receiving, it was most welcome. “I’m sure I can handle it.”

“I am certain you can as well.” Spock hesitated. “It has been some time since you ate.”

“Keeping track?”

Of course he was.

Spock inclined his head. “It is a first officer’s duty to ensure the continuing welfare of his captain.”

“That’s true,” Jim agreed. “I don’t really feel like being on display in the mess, though, Spock.”

Which was true enough. Whenever Jim dined in the mess, the crew found reason to stop and ask him questions or just talk to him. He was highly sought after.

Spock took a deep breath. “Perhaps we could share a meal in your quarters?”

Jim stopped at the turbolift doors and his expression was suddenly so closed off Spock was absolutely certain Jim would reject him again.

Jim nodded. “Okay. But give me about thirty minutes? I’d like to get cleaned up.”

Not daring to show any relief for Jim’s acceptance, Spock merely replied, “Very well.”

He allowed Jim to enter the turbolift by himself and the doors closed on Spock in the corridor.


	13. An Emergency Transmission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Challenge: A real conversation and an emergency transmission

Spock stood outside Jim’s quarters twenty-eight minutes later. Vulcans did not get nervous nor did they perspire so the palms of his hand were not clammy. Definitely not. He had absolutely no idea what to expect from Jim, however, and therefore he felt decidedly off-balance.

He waited until exactly thirty minutes had passed before pressing the button to his captain’s quarters.

The door slid open, granting him access. Spock stepped inside.

Jim stood by his desk. He wore a fresh uniform and his hair was still damp. Though Spock, too, wore a uniform, Jim being dressed in his seemed almost a way to maintain distance between them. When Jim was not on duty he generally preferred casual, comfortable clothes.

“What would you like, Spock?” Jim asked. “Plomeek soup? Kreyla?”

Spock arched a brow. “That would be quite agreeable, but to my knowledge the Enterprise’s replicators do not include Vulcan dishes.”

Jim’s lips curved ever so slightly. Spock found them very appealing. “I had some improvements made while the ship was at Starbase 4.”

Spock blinked. “Indeed?”

“So, is that what you want or what?”

He nodded, temporarily unable to speak. Jim making sure Vulcan dishes were available had to be a positive sign.

Jim set Spock’s soup and bread at the table. He went back to the replicator and then returned with fried eggs and potatoes for himself. And the third time Jim brought Spock tea and himself coffee.

“I had thought you would choose meat,” Spock said as he sat across from Jim.

“Bones is trying to make me cut down. And anyway, eggs and potatoes taste pretty good from these replicators. Better than most things.” Jim eyed Spock’s food. “Well?”

Spock tried the Vulcan dishes. “They are quite good. The programmer did an excellent job.”

Jim gave him a full smile. “Thank you.”

“It was you?” Spock asked, rather stunned.

Jim shrugged. “You’re aware I know programming.”

“Jim—”

“It’s no big deal, Spock.”

“It is to me and I offer you my gratitude.” And Spock knew that Jim had done this for him after what happened with Zarabeth.

“Okay.”

They ate in silence for a few minutes. Spock did not know whether he should bring up Zarabeth and spoil what was the best time he’d had with Jim in months, really.

But continued avoidance wouldn’t get them to where Spock hoped they could be.

“I would like to apologize for my behavior on Sarpeidon.”

Jim’s gaze rose from his plate. His expression was blank. “I’m listening.”

“That what occurred in the ice age, on the planet, hurt you, is something I will regret for the rest of my life,” Spock admitted. “It was…unfortunate. And has never been a reflection of the deep regard I have for you.”

“Spock, listen,” Jim said softly. “I don’t—I don’t know if we can ever be what we were going to be. I know people make mistakes. Hell, I’ve certainly made more than my fair share. And I know you had no experience with males or me and you probably freaked out a little bit. Maybe that’s why—maybe that’s why you were with her. I don’t know.”

Spock shook his head. “I am not entirely certain what caused my behavior. Perhaps it was Sarpeidon, perhaps it was as you surmised and I was unprepared for my deeper feelings for you and I sought a distraction from them.”

“You wanted to stay there.”

The raw pain in Jim’s voice was nearly Spock’s undoing. He struggled for control.

“I was confused.”

For a long time Jim said nothing else. His blue eyes were so bright and intense Spock could not look away.

“I miss you,” Jim whispered, so low and soft Spock wondered if he imagined it. 

Spock swallowed, his throat suddenly painful. “I—”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Jim’s eyes widened. He stood up and went to his terminal. “Kirk here. What is it, Uhura?”

“Sir, we’re getting an emergency distress signal from Deneva.”

Jim frowned. “Deneva? Patch it through.”

“Please help us. Please. They’re coming. They’re coming,” a woman’s panicked voice came over the comm.

Spock watched as Jim lost several shades of color.

“Aurelan? It’s Jim. Can you hear me?”

“Help us, please,” the woman said, as though she hadn’t heard Jim.

“Aurelan? Aurelan?”

“We lost the transmission, Captain,” Uhura said.

“Have a course plotted for Deneva. Warp 6, Lieutenant. I’ll be right there.”

“Aurelan?” Spock asked.

“My sister-in-law.”

****

Spock was gratified to be in the landing party that beamed down to Deneva. He had intended to insist if Jim would not allow it, but Jim had acted like he assumed Spock would come and that suited Spock fine.

Besides himself and Jim, McCoy, a security guard and Yeoman Zahra also landed on Deneva.

“This way,” Jim said turning in the direction of a large, tall building. He had been mostly silent since the distress signal.

They rounded a corner only to be confronted by a group of inhabitants carrying clubs and crowbars, yelling at them to leave. The group fell to the ground after they’d stunned them.

“Bones?” Jim asked.

McCoy bent down to examine the men. “Strange, Jim. Even unconscious they’re convulsing violently.”

Jim nodded. “Let’s go.”

They made their way to the building and Jim turned down a long hallway to the right. The door at the end was partially open and Jim pushed it the rest of the way, stepping inside.

“Aurelan?” he called out.

There was a soft moan. Jim rushed over to where the dining room was. He knelt down beside the woman lying there.

“Aurelan, it’s Jim.”

Her eyes opened but they were hazy with pain. “Jim?”

“Yes. We’re going to help you. You’ll be all right.”

Aurelan shook with pain. “No, I—Peter, where’s Peter?”

There was a small toddler nearby. He was breathing but was unconscious. McCoy went to him.

“He’s here,” Jim assured her.

“They came.”

“Who came?”

“Horrible creatures. They-they attach—” She screamed.

Jim held her in his arms. “We’re going to get you help.”

“Too late. Jim, please, take Peter. Take him to Sam. Tell him—” She screamed again. “Tell him to take care of him.”

“Aurelan—”

Aurelan screamed once more and then went limp in Jim’s arms.

“Bones!”

McCoy rushed to Jim’s side with his tricorder out. He frowned. “She’s dead, Jim.”

Jim’s jaw tightened but he showed no other outside indicators of emotion. He laid her flat and closed her eyes. “And the boy?”

“He’s alive, but appears to be affected by whatever affected your sister-in-law and those men outside.”

“Let’s get Peter back to the ship,” Jim said, rising.

The security guard picked up Peter and they exited the apartment. In the hallway outside Spock spotted a flattened jelly-like creature attached to the ceiling.

“One of the creatures, Captain?” Spock asked, drawing Jim’s attention to it.

Jim looked up and fired his phaser at the pulsating creature. It dropped to the floor in front of them. Spock crouched down to run his tricorder over it.

“Fascinating,” he declared.

“How so?” Jim asked.

“This creature is a single cell organism, Captain.”

Jim frowned as he watched it continue to pulse. “My phaser was on kill. It should be dead.”

“Fascinating,” Spock repeated. “I would like to take it back to the Enterprise to study it, Captain.”

“Forget it,” Jim replied. “Leave it. Let’s go.”

Spock shrugged and began to follow Jim out of the building. Suddenly he heard a sort of chirp and then the creature rose and attached itself to Spock’s back.

“Spock!” Jim grabbed him as near crippling pain coursed through Spock. Jim ripped the creature off Spock and took out his communicator. “Beam us up now.”


	14. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Challenges: a bottle of whiskey, a bit of forgiveness, and a biobed

“Are you sure he’s going to be all right, Bones?” Jim asked. He knew he’d asked before. Probably would ask again. After all this was Spock. And no matter what hurt or betrayal Jim felt, he loved Spock. Always would. There would never be anyone for Jim but Spock. He knew that.

The creature who had attacked Spock had managed to attach living tissue to Spock’s spinal column and it had been impossible to remove surgically. Spock had been in an enormous amount of pain, but had insisted on managing it through Vulcan methods—Vulcan voodoo Bones had called it—so that he could help discover a solution to the creature’s hold on himself, Peter, and the planet’s citizens. 

Now, Spock lay in a biobed asleep or in one of those Vulcan things. Whatever. After all was said and done they’d rid Deneva of the organisms through ultraviolet light. They’d also managed to save Jim’s nephew, Peter, and Spock, of course. They’d managed to save the lives of six million people. But not Aurelan.

“He’ll be fine, Jim. His eyesight will be back to normal in a few hours. That second eyelid of his came in handy.”

Spock had volunteered to test their earliest theory for getting rid of the creatures…intense light. It had blinded him—temporarily fortunately—and then Nurse Chapel had discovered ultraviolet killed the creature as well.

It had been a difficult couple of days.

Jim watched Spock for a few minutes more, keeping his distance.

Bones smiled and squeezed his arm. “You can go over there if you want, you know? He’s not even awake.”

Jim nodded and made his way over to the biobed. He couldn’t stay long anyway. He was shortly beaming down to Alpha Twelve to turn Peter over to his brother, Sam.

All the relief and grief seemed to swirl up inside him like a maelstrom as he could not stop himself from reaching out to cover Spock’s hand with his. Spock’s skin was warm and surprisingly soft to the touch. He stroked his index finger along the veins in Spock’s hand.

“He’ll be okay,” Uhura said softly, coming up to stand next to Spock on the other side of the bed.

Jim nodded.

“He’d be happy to know you’re here.”

“Would he?”

“Oh, yes.” She smiled a little. “You may have difficulty believing this now, but you’re more important to him than anyone he’s ever known.”

“His mother—”

She shook her head. “Anyone.”

“I need to go,” he whispered. “Watch out for him, would you?”

“Of course I will.”

Jim stroked Spock’s hand once more, wanting to linger, but unable to do so, and then he turned to leave sickbay.

****

Jim shifted Peter in his arms just after they reappeared on Alpha Twelve. Sam was waiting for him and next to Sam was a woman Jim didn’t know. She was young and pretty though. He guessed she was the girl Sam had talked about when Jim had dinner with him. Jim could hardly believe Sam had the nerve to show up to collect his son with Aurelan with her accompanying him.

“Jim,” Sam greeted him and gave him a quick hug. Jim did not release Peter. ”I want you to meet Gretchen.”

“What is she doing here?” Jim asked in a low voice.

Sam seemed taken aback. “Well, I—”

“Two days ago I held your _wife_ in my arms while she died, Sam,” Jim said through clenched teeth. “I can’t believe you.”

Sam stepped back, narrowed his eyes at Jim, and then turned to the woman. “Can you give us a moment?”

The woman, Gretchen, nodded and walked away until Jim could no longer see her.

“You have the sole responsibility for your son now, Sam. Do you even get that?”

“You’re my kid brother. Why do you think you get to lecture me on responsibility?”

Jim snorted. “You have to be kidding me. You took off. You were an addict. You left your wife after she gave birth to your son.” Jim shook his head and turned to smile at the boy in his arms. “Ready to go to your daddy?”

“Da da.”

“That’s right.” Jim closed his eyes and tightened his embrace on his nephew for a minute, then he kissed Peter’s cheek and he placed Peter in Sam’s arms.

The boy wrapped his little arms around Sam’s neck.

“You can’t judge me, Jimmy. You have no idea what it’s like,” Sam insisted.

“You’re right. I don’t know what it’s like for you,” Jim replied. “But your wife just died a horrific death two days ago, and I’m bringing your son here for you to take care of, which she asked me to do with her dying breath, by the way. The least you could have done was show some sorrow or compassion for Aurelan by not bringing your damn whore here when I bring your son.”

Sam took a threatening step toward Jim. “Fuck you.”

“You might want to put your son down before you punch me,” Jim said. He turned away and pulled out his communicator. “One to beam up.”

“Jim, I—”

“Standby,” Jim said into his communicator. He turned to face Sam.

“I’m sorry. You’re—you’re right. Well, partly. Gretchen isn’t a whore. You shouldn’t take out your being rightly pissed at me on her.”

Jim nodded. “Okay. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Sam stared at him for a long time. Then he turned to look at his young son in his arms. “He looks like Aur, don’t you think?”

“Yeah. Yeah, he does.”

“I can’t believe she’s gone,” Sam said softly. Jim recognized the raw pain in his brother’s eyes. “I don’t want to believe it. If I had been there—”

“What ifs only drive you crazy, Sam. Just…be the best dad you can be to Peter. That’s what Aurelan would want.”

Sam nodded. “I want to be there for him. Cause you know, we didn’t have that. Especially you. I have some memories. But you…you didn’t even know him at all.”

“Yeah. That’s good Sam.” Jim paused. He didn’t really know what to say to Sam. Never really did. “I have to go.”

“Keep in touch?”

“Sure, of course,” Jim said, automatically. But he didn’t know if that was true. They hadn’t kept in touch. Running into Sam on Alpha Twelve before had been coincidental. “Bye, Sam.”

“Goodbye, Jim.”

“Energize,” Jim said into his communicator.

****

When Jim made it to sickbay later he learned from M’Benga that Spock had been released to his quarters, which was great news. M’Benga told him Bones was in his office and for a moment Jim was torn between seeing Spock and seeing Bones.

He chose Bones and felt vaguely like a coward for it.

“Hey,” Jim said, leaning against the door of Bones’ office.

“Come on in.” Bones pulled out two glasses from a drawer and a bottle of whiskey. “Sit down.”

Jim did and reached for the glass Bones had poured him.

“How’d it go?”

Jim shrugged. “Just like I expected. I hope he does right by Peter, anyway.”

“Maybe he will.” Bones eyed him. “Something wrong?”

“No more than usual.”

“You still need to talk to Spock.”

“I know.”

“Holding your feelings inside isn’t good. Not healthy.”

Jim felt a muscle in his jaw tick. “Yeah, I know.” He took a swallow of whiskey, felt it burn going down.

“God knows I have my issues with the hobgoblin—”

Jim’s fingers tightened around the glass and he slammed it down on Bones’ desk.

Bones looked at him in surprise. “What?”

“I’m fucking angry.”

“At Spock?”

“No,” Jim denied. “At you, Bones.”

“Me?”

“Yes,” Jim said, clenching his jaw. “All this time I just don’t get it. Why’d you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Tell me about Spock and Zarabeth.”

“You were asking—”

“So? You could have lied or not told me or given me vague fucking answers. I don’t know. Anything but telling me about them with some sort of sick fucking glee.”

“Jim, I swear—”

Jim sighed, completely frustrated.  “I know, Bones. It’s just part of me feels like you did it because you don’t like Spock.”

Bones shook his head. “I would never deliberately hurt you. Never. I shouldn’t have told you. I know that. I was thinking if it was me, I’d want to know because—because…”

“Your wife cheated on you,” Jim said softly.

Bones swallowed, looked away. “Yes.”

“God, I’m a mess,” Jim said, wiping at the tears that had sprung to his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were angry with me?”

“Jesus, Bones. I don’t talk about shit. You know that.” Jim closed his eyes. “And I know you didn’t want to hurt me. I even know Spock didn’t want to hurt me. It’s just all so fucked in my head.”

“Maybe you need to talk to someone.”

“A shrink? No way.”

Bones smiled. “No. Someone other than me. Other than Spock. Other than Uhura even. I’m your idiot friend. Spock’s your-well…yours. And Uhura’s his ex. No wonder you’re fucked in the head.”

Jim snorted. “Any suggestions?”

“Your mom?”

“Maybe. Yeah. I don’t know.” Jim sighed. He rose and went over to Bones, leaning down to kiss the top of his friend’s head. “I love you. You know that.”

Bones nodded. “I’m sorry, Jim.”

“I know you are. I’m so damn tired I’m amazed I’m still on my feet.”

“Want me to put you off duty for a bit? You did just lose a family member.”

Jim thought of Aurelan. Funny how when he’d first met her, Jim hadn’t really liked her much. But she’d grown on him. The few times he’d seen her anyway. And she had deserved better.

“Thanks, Bones. I appreciate it.”

“Love you, too,” Bones mumbled under his breath.

“What was that? Louder, I can’t hear you.”

“Get out of my office.”

Jim laughed. And it felt good to laugh, even though he didn’t have much to laugh about. But he really did need sleep, so he headed out of sickbay to get some. 


	15. Will Groveling Help?

Spock had just finished meditating when he heard the sounds of Jim in their shared bathroom. At first they were just the normal sounds of one seeing to personal hygiene. But then he heard what he was certain was the sound of a sob. Followed almost immediately by a loud crash.

His heart seemed to leap from his side to his throat as he rushed for the door to the bathroom. It was not locked and Spock opened it easily.

“Jim?”

A shattered mug lay on the floor by the double sink and Jim, dressed only in his boxer briefs, was on his knees beside it, trying to pick up the sharp pointed pieces.

Jim looked at Spock, his blue eyes watery and bloodshot. “Hey.”

“What happened? Are you all right?”

Jim shook his head. “It just dropped through my fingers. I was having some tea, It’s just…I’m so tired. I can’t even think right now.”

“Leave it.”

“What?”

Spock stepped forward and reached down to pull Jim to his feet. “I will take care of it.” Without giving Jim a chance to protest, Spock led him back into his quarters. “You are upset.”

Jim looked away, not meeting Spock’s gaze. Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s jaw and gently turned his face so that Spock could look into Jim’s eyes.

“I am the cause of your distress.”

“No,” Jim denied. “I’m just so tired. It seems like I don’t get any sleep anymore.”

“I would do anything to erase what transpired,” Spock said softly.

“Yeah, me too.”

Jim sagged against him and Spock caught him, lifting him in his arms and carrying him to the bed. He laid Jim down and then dared to sit on the edge next to him.

Jim searched Spock’s gaze. “You’re okay? After everything?”

“I am recovered,” Spock assured him.

Jim licked his lips. “I’m glad. It was-it was close.”

Spock stroked his fingers across Jim’s right cheek. “You are tired. You should be sleeping.”

“Going to. Bones has me off for twenty-four hours.”

“I will see that it is doubled.”

“Spock, that’s not—”

“It is. To cover your shifts is the least I can do, Jim.” He hesitated. “The doctor has suggested I resort to groveling to beg for your forgiveness. Do you imagine that will succeed?”

“You don’t have to grovel. I don’t even want you to.” Jim’s eyes were only half open.

“I would do whatever it takes to gain your forgiveness.”

“I don’t…it’s still so hard,” Jim whispered. “But I meant what I said. I miss you.”

 “I miss you also, ashayam,” Spock replied, barely able to get the words out.

“Maybe we can…can be friends?”

“Friends?” It was not nearly enough. Could never be enough. Spock wanted everything with this human. Everything. But being friends was better than nothing. Better than this aching emptiness within Spock whenever he sought the presence of Jim.

Jim slowly nodded. “Do you think we can do that, Spock?”

“I would be…please to call you friend again, Jim.”

Jim smiled a little. “Good. Because I can’t stand the way it is anymore.”

“Nor can I,” Spock admitted.

“I still—I still love you, you know,” Jim’s voice was whisper soft.

Spock trembled. “And I you.”

“Tired,” Jim mumbled, his eyes fully closing.

Spock’s fingers ghosted over Jim’s forehead. “Sleep well, beautiful one.”

For a long time—an hour, Spock thought, he merely watched Jim sleep. There was nowhere else he wished to be. The pain he had caused Jim—he had caused both of them—was almost too much to take. Spock would gladly do penance for the rest of his days. And if friendship were all that Jim would offer him now, Spock would take it. Above anything else with anyone else.

The comm on the captain’s desk bleeped, but Spock knew that Jim would not wake. Not for hours. So Spock stood and went to it himself.

“Spock here.”

“Is the captain there?” Mr. Scott asked.

“He is currently unavailable. What is it?”

“There’s a malfunction with the photon torpedoes. They’ll be out o’ commission for a wee bit.”

“How long is a wee bit, Mr. Scott?”

“Difficult to say. I was hoping the captain could have a wee look with the programming.”

Spock glanced at Jim, still sleeping. “I will come and look.”

“You, Mr. Spock?” Scott sounded doubtful.

Spock arched a brow though Scott could not see. “Yes, I have some experience in programming. I programmed the Kobayashi Maru.”

“Oh, aye. Well that’s grand then. Scott out.”

Spock returned to Jim’s bed and looked down at the sleeping man. He stroked his fingers along Jim’s and Jim’s fingers twitched under his.

He exhaled slowly and went to the door. “Lights out,” he called as he exited the room. 


	16. A Kiss Shared

It was late at night. Or Jim thought it was. Time didn’t really pass like it did on Earth or New Vulcan or any other planet. It was what amounted to the ship’s late at night, anyway.  

Around him the ship still purred like she always did, but the corridors were sparsely populated with the crew that had been unfortunate enough to catch this shift.

He accessed the door of the officers’ private viewing area on the observation deck and slipped inside. He was happy to find it unoccupied.

The stars were particularly bright in this sector and they calmed Jim in ways almost nothing else could. He’d been there maybe ten minutes when the door was accessed again and though he didn’t turn around he knew who had stepped inside and indeed up to stand behind him.

Jim had been alert to his scent, his movements, his breathing…everything really, for as long as he could recall now.

“Hey, Spock.”

“When I returned to your quarters you were no longer there.”

“I woke up,” Jim said with a small shrug.

“You are still tired.”

Jim nodded. “I’m always tired.”

“You used to sleep better.” Spock stepped around Jim until Jim was forced to look at him. “What keeps you up at night?”

“You don’t wanna know.”

His dark eyes pierced Jim with their intensity. “I would not have asked otherwise.”

“I think about you and-and…her.”

“Jim.” Spock took a step closer until he was near enough for Jim to touch him. “There is no me and her.”

“Perhaps not now.”

“I made a grave error in judgment with my actions with Zarabeth. I will never repeat them with her or anyone else. Not as long as there is breath left in either of us.” Spock stepped closer still and rested his fingertips on Jim’s jaw. “Will you look at me?”

“I am,” Jim protested.

“You are facing me, but your gaze is avoiding mine.”

“I don’t want to be so vulnerable,” Jim admitted.

“I know, ashayam, but you can be so with me. No one cares for you more than me. Not even Dr. McCoy. You are my friend, my brother.”

Jim’s gaze met Spock’s.

“And I would like you to be my lover. I know we agreed to a friendship and if that is truly all you will ever desire from me, I will accept it. But I cannot and will not deny that I seek everything from you. Words alone can never convey how sorry I am for my actions on Sarpeidon. That they cost me you is great penance.”

“Spock,” Jim whispered.

Spock hesitated, lowered his hands from Jim’s face and stepped back. “It is not my intention to provide pressure to you, Jim. You said groveling was not necessary, but perhaps I could try it?”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t want that, Spock. Really. I would never have you humiliated on my behalf.”

Spock’s dark eyes were so intense with emotions swirling just under the surface, Jim caught his breath. He had moved closer to Jim once more and his long, slender fingers caressed Jim’s jaw, grazing across the trace of stubble there.

Jim put his hand on Spock’s chest intending to keep him at distance. But somehow it didn’t work that way, and in fact drew Spock closer still. Jim licked his lips and tilted his head, as though inviting Spock to kiss him. Maybe he was.

Spock lowered his lips to Jim’s. This was no gentle, tentative kiss. It was instant passion, desperation, yearning. Spock’s fist was in Jim’s tunic, pulling him close. His tongue was in Jim’s mouth, demanding obedience. Jim closed his eyes and moaned into the kiss. He realized he was practically crawling up Spock.

He found himself pushed up against the bulkhead as Spock devoured his mouth. He felt Spock’s anguish, jealousy, want, need. That he could feel Spock’s emotions startled him, threw him. But though he tried to break free, Spock’s mouth continued to assault his and he was held there with Vulcan strength.

Jim’s cock had hardened, pushing painfully against the confines of his trousers. When Spock’s other hand began to slide down Jim’s stomach to hover just above his crotch, Jim jerked back and Spock at last released him, pulling his lips away from Jim’s.

Spock took a step back, his eyes wild and unfocused.

Jim moved away from the bulkhead, panting. “I can’t—I don’t—”

“Jim—” Spock’s voice came out rough, uncertain, with a tinge of panic.

Jim shook his head, somewhat frantically. “I’m needed on the bridge.”

Of course he was not. Bones had him off. But he needed it right now. Needed his chair. He departed the observation room and rushed for the turbolift. He did not believe Spock would attempt to follow him, but he didn’t want to see anyone on the way.

Once inside the turbolift, he paused it, waiting for his unwanted erection to disappear. 

When at last it did, Jim restarted the lift and made his way to the bridge. The officer in his chair seemed more than a little startled to see him, but Jim gave him a practiced smile and took over.

His chair.

Jim sighed.

His chair had never betrayed him. Never chose someone else over him. Never spent months in a relationship with Uhura.

Jim ran his hands over the console on the arms.

_You need to forgive him. You don’t want to be without Spock. So he made a mistake. Everyone does. It might have been you if you’d been in that ice age. Maybe. And wouldn’t you want Spock to forgive you?_

And all of that made perfect sense of course.

The turbolift doors opened and footsteps approached his chair.

“Jim,” Bones said softly.

Jim swallowed. “Hey, Bones.”

“Come on, Jim. I want you off the bridge. You need rest.”

Jim wasn’t surprised to see Bones holding a hypospray. He sighed in resignation. “Spock called you?”

Bones nodded. “He’s worried. You’ve got bags under your eyes. Your color’s off. You’re still dealing with what happened on Deneva.”

“You only put me off twenty-four hours.”

“And you haven’t even stayed off for that time. Besides, I agreed with Spock. I’ve doubled that time.”

“Bones—”

Bones squeezed his shoulder. “For me. Okay?”

“You really know how to get to me, don’t you?”

“I think we know how to get to each other,” Bones commented with a smile. “Come on. I’ll walk you back to your quarters.”

Jim snorted but he stood up and followed Bones to the turbolift. “I don’t need a babysitter, you know.”

“Sure, you don’t.”

The doors closed and suddenly the exhaustion hit Jim hard. He swayed a little, leaning into Bones.

Bones sighed. “You definitely need a babysitter.”


	17. To Woo

Spock was uncertain who he could turn to. He did not think he should speak to Jim. Not yet. And Dr. McCoy? No doubt his advice would be to grovel.

He thought perhaps speaking with Nyota could be considered inappropriate, but the truth was she was still his closest friend after Jim. And Spock didn’t think Nyota would mind, anyway. What did they care what others thought?

Spock gained immediate access to her quarters when he identified himself. Nyota was sitting on the floor doing yoga exercises. Though her stomach was expanding with the growth of her child, she insisted on remaining fit.

“Hi, Spock. Have a seat. I’m almost done.”

Spock sat in the chair by the little table, where he’d sat many times before. He noticed on the table lay a broken communicator. “What has happened to your communicator?”

“Oh.” She snorted a laugh. “I got mad and threw it. They’re more fragile than I realized. I have to get a new one.”

Spock picked it up and studied it. “I may be able to repair it.”

“Go for it.” She rose from her exercise mat and wiped sweat from her face with a towel. She sat in the seat on the other side of the table. “How are you, Spock?”

“I believe that is a question I should be asking you. You look well.”

“I feel great.” She studied him. “I don’t get the impression you do, though.”’

“I am considering whether to put myself on report,” Spock admitted.

Nyota laughed. “Report? You? For what?”

“I sexually assaulted the captain.”

Her mouth hung open. “You what?”

He almost gave into the human urge to sigh. “I assaulted him.”

Nyota shook her head. “You mean…wait…what? You forced yourself on him?”

“Yes.”

“Spock,” she said in a strangled voice. “That doesn’t sound like you. You raped Kirk?”

Spock’s brows furrowed. “Negative.”

“Then what exactly did you do?”

“We were on the observation deck and I kissed him.”

“And?”

“It was unwelcome.”

“How so?”

“He pushed me away and fled.”

“Spock,” she said with a gentle smile. “I would hardly call that sexual assault. I don’t think Kirk would think of it that way either.”

“I upset him.”

“I know everything between you is…uncertain. More likely you startled him than anything else.”

“Perhaps,” Spock acknowledged. “He wants to be friends.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

“It is better than it was, yes, but not enough.”

“Maybe it’s a good place to start? You could try wooing him.”

“Wooing?” Spock repeated, not liking the word in the least.

“Yeah. Dates, hearts, flowers, candy. That kind of thing.” Nyota laughed. “I know, not really your thing.”

“I am uncertain it is Jim’s thing either. I have never even thought about such romantic gestures with regard to a male,” Spock admitted. Perhaps there was some truth to what Jim had said about Spock’s reluctance because Jim was a man. He did not know anything about romancing a male.

“Well, it doesn’t have to be flowers or candy. But maybe something he really likes.” Nyota shrugged. “Not that I know what he likes.”

“I do not either.”

“Maybe you could ask Leonard?”

The thought of asking McCoy what Spock should use to woo Jim was not a pleasant one, however, Nyota’s idea of presenting gifts to Jim was not without merit. Humans did seem to place illogical sentimentality to such gestures.

 ****

“Come in.”

Spock entered the captain’s quarters and stopped in his tracks. Perhaps with his mouth open, if he could be forgiven such an indignity.

Jim was standing near his desk only wearing what appeared to be rather tight exercise shorts. And nothing else. There was so much bare skin, Spock ached to touch it. Spock could not help but think he clearly did  _not_  have an issue with being attracted to a male. Not this one anyway.

“Hi Spock.” Jim had a towel wrapped around his neck. “Just came back from the gym. Was about to take a shower.”

“Do not let me stop you.”

Jim laughed. “What?”

Spock blinked and cleared his throat. “My apologies. I did believe you would still be resting given Dr. McCoy’s orders.”

“Oh that. Yeah, I am. I mean I can’t sleep for all forty-eight hours. I decided I needed a workout.”

Spock inclined his head. “You do look more rested. Have you heard from your brother regarding Peter since you transferred care to him?”

“No. I really should check up on him.” Jim shrugged a little. “Sam and I have never been close.”

Spock nodded. “No doubt why you have become like a brother to Dr. McCoy.”

Jim smiled. “That’s probably it. Was there something you needed?”

They had not really spoken since Spock had kissed Jim on the observation deck and Spock noticed that Jim was acting like it had never happened. He wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.

“I have brought you something.” Spock brought the small square box from behind his back and held it out to Jim.

Jim gave him a puzzled look. “What is it?”

“I believe it is appropriate for me to say, open it.”

Jim took the box and lifted the lid, staring in at its contents. “A sticky bun?”

“I was informed you are appreciative of them.”

“Wow. I, uh. I haven’t had one of these in years.”

“Then you are…pleased?”

Jim closed the box and set it on his desk. “Yes. Thank you. That was really sweet—er nice of you.” He smiled. “What’s the occasion?”

“I merely wished to present you with something you might enjoy.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded. “Thank you, Spock.”

“You are welcome, Jim.” He wanted to stay, but Jim had expressed a desire to shower, and really there was no reason Spock could come up with to linger. “Goodnight, Captain.”

“Good night, Mister Spock. And thanks again.”

Spock inclined his head and exited Jim’s quarters, all the while wondering what his next gesture of wooing should be. 


	18. A Massage

Jim frowned at the report he was trying to do as his door chimed.

“Yeah. Enter.”

Spock entered his quarters holding a tray that had a bowl of something, a bread roll, and a cup of what smelled like coffee.

“You have not eaten,” Spock said by way of explanation.

“No, I haven’t. But wait. How did you know that?”

“I surmised from your usual habits that you had not.” Spock set the tray down on Jim’s desk. Jim could clearly see it was Plomeek soup in the bowl.

Jim couldn’t help but smile. “So you’re serving me Plomeek?”

“I am told humans find it bland, but it is a comfort food.”

“And I need comforting.”

Spock simply stared at him.

Jim sighed and dipped the spoon into the soup. After all he was the one who had programmed the option into the ship’s computers. He might as well try it. He put a spoonful into his mouth. “Not bad.”

Spock stepped around the desk and stood close to Jim.

Jim heard the distinct sounds of a tricorder, so he turned to stare at Spock. “Are you using a tricorder on me?”

“It is a medical tricorder,” Spock explained. “I am checking your vital signs.”

“Did you get that from Bones?”

“Affirmative.” Spock lowered it. “You are overly stressed.”

“You think?” Jim shook his head and ate more of the soup.

“I propose when you have finished your meal, that you move to your bed,” Spock said carefully, almost like he was reading something pre-written.

Jim leaned back in his chair and gave Spock his assessing Captain’s look. It had intimidated many an ensign, he knew. “You propose this, huh?”

“Indeed.” Spock had turned a little greener than usual but did not back down from Jim’s Captain’s look. “I am then prepared to give you a massage.”

Jim burst out laughing. It had to be a joke. But Spock turned greener still and looked vaguely uncomfortable. “Um. Okay. A massage. All right. Are you sure?”

“Yes, Captain.” Spock nodded stiffly.

Jim finished his soup and roll, then had a few sips of coffee. He rose from his seat and headed toward the bed.  

“You will probably wish to remove your shirts,” Spock said primly.

“Of course,” Jim murmured. He pulled off his tunic and undershirt together and tossed them in the hamper nearby. “On my stomach, I presume?”

“Indeed.”

Jim laid on the bed on his stomach. He looked over his shoulder at Spock who had removed a small round container from the pocket of his regulation pants. “What’s that?”

“Massage oil.”

“Where’d you get massage oil?”

“Nyota.”

“She had massage oil?” Jim grimaced. “Never mind. I probably don’t want to know.”

“Perhaps not.” Spock began to knead Jim’s shoulders. Jim wrinkled his nose.

“Is it scented with roses?”

“Affirmative.”

Jim laughed. “Great. Now I am going to smell like a florist shop on Valentine’s Day.”

“I believe she also had orange and vanilla scents.”

Jim stifled his laugh in his pillow. “You’re killing me, Spock.”

The hands kneading his shoulders stilled. “If I am hurting you—”

“You’re not. God, you’re so literal. I love that about you, really. Most of the time.”

“You seem mostly frustrated with it,” Spock said quietly.

“Sometimes, yeah. That feels amazing.”

“I am glad.”

Spock moved down to his shoulder blades and the middle of Jim’s back.

“As great as this feels, Spock, I have to ask something.”

“I am listening.”

“What are you doing?”

“I am massaging your back to loosen the knots in your muscles to relieve stress.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. I mean, all of this. And the sticky buns, too. What’s going on?”

Spock was silent for so long, Jim began to believe he would not answer his question. But then he said softly, “I am wooing you.”

“You are…wooing me?”

“Yes.” The hands continued to work on Jim’s muscles. “Is that not the correct term?”

“The correct term for what?” Jim asked neutrally.

“For convincing you to become romantically interested in me.”

“Ah.” Jim smiled. “Wooing is correct. Yeah. Um. Kind of a weird word, though. Where’d you hear it?”

“Nyota.”

“She told you to woo me, did she?”

“That was her suggestion. Perhaps if I am not being successful, I am doing it incorrectly?”

Jim flipped over onto his back and met Spock’s gaze. “I wouldn’t worry about that.”

“About what?”

“Oh, you’re successful, all right.” Jim reached for Spock’s oiled hand and brought it to Jim’s heart. “Feel that? That’s house successful you are.”

“Jim—”

“You’re unbelievably adorable, Spock. Has anyone ever told you that?”

Spock cleared his throat. “I do not believe anyone ever used that exact term, no.”

Jim grinned. “Come here. Come closer.”

Spock leaned down over Jim until his face was just inches above Jim’s. “Is this correct, Captain?”

Jim hooked his hand behind Spock’s neck and tugged him down to within kissing distance. “Perfect, Commander.”


	19. Are We Bonded?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I posted two chapters this week. Expect the final two next week.

Spock found himself anticipating a kiss from Jim. This time he would wait and not force a kiss on his captain. It would be up to Jim. Spock surmised they were about to do so, and he would be vastly disappointed if they did not.

“You’re my heart, Spock,” Jim said so softly someone with ordinary hearing might have missed it, even at this close range. “I can’t keep this distance between us. Not anymore.”

Jim leaned up just a little to gently kiss Spock’s mouth. It was like the touch of a butterfly. It was alluring but not nearly enough. And still Spock held back.

Blue eyes searched his—so intense and so filled with an aching anguish—Spock trembled.

“You are…k'hat'n'dlawa.”

“I can feel you. Your emotions. What is that?” Jim asked. His thumb brushed over Spock’s bottom lip.

Spock was surprised by this. Jim had never said. “For how long have you felt this?”

“When you kissed me on the observation desk it began. And when you were kneading me. And now. You surround me.” His thumb moved to Spock’s cheek, just under his eye.

“This is unpleasant for you?” Spock asked cautiously when he could feel Jim’s unease.

“No. I’m more curious than anything. I know you are a telepathic species. Are you projecting?”

“In a way, yes.”

The corner of Jim’s lips upturned. “You are forever a mystery to me, Spock.”

“I do not intend to be. I would have you know all there is to know of me,” Spock admitted.

Jim kissed him again, a longer kiss that lingered on Spock’s lips and made him yearn for yet more.

“Is it a bond?” Jim asked, surprising Spock. Jim’s smile widened. “I can see by that slight widening of your eyes it is. We’re bonded?”

“You know of bonds?”

“Vulcans have bonds, Spock. I’m not an idiot.”

“I am very aware of your high intelligence, Captain.”

Jim laughed and with their close proximity it rumbled through Spock. “You sound uppity when you call me captain. You know that?”

“Jim.”

“You’re avoiding my question, Spock. Are we bonded?”

Spock was tempted to avoid that too assessing gaze. Jim had a way of looking straight inside him when he wanted to and that was the way he was staring at Spock just then.

“We are t’hy’la,” Spock told him finally. When Jim’s expression did not change, Spock found himself frowning just a little. “You know of t’hy’la?”

“I shared a mind meld with your counterpart, Spock. I learned a lot of things. Including that they were t’hy’la.”

“You did not inform me.”

“You were with Nyota,” Jim reminded him. “When we first talked of being together…well, I didn’t know for sure it would be the same for us. But when I felt your emotions, I wondered.”

“You do not seem upset by this news,” Spock said, perhaps a little hopefully.

“I’m not. I already knew there was more to us than anything I’ve ever known.”

Spock briefly closed his eyes and rubbed his cheek on Jim’s hand. “It is the same for me.”

They were interrupted by the whine of the intercom.

“Scott to Captain Kirk.”

Jim sighed as Spock lifted off him. He held a hand down to Jim to help him to rise. Jim went to the com on his terminal.

“Kirk here.”

“There’s still a wee bit o’ trouble with the photons. Mister Spock did a good bit o’ fixin’ but I wondered if you’d come and take a look, Captain. If you’re not busy.”

“Okay.” Spock handed him his command shirt.

“And there’s something else you may as well look at in the engine room since you’ll be down here.”

"A problem, Scotty?"

"No, sir. Just some improvements that have been made on the engines."

Jim grinned. “The engines, huh? I’d love to get my hands on them.”

Scott chuckled. “Aye, Captain. I thought ye would. Scott out.”

Jim gave Spock an apologetic smile. “Uh, can we, um, we do this later?”

“You are supposed to be resting,” Spock pointed out, though he knew Jim would happily ignore him.

“I know. I’ll rest later.”

“Very well.”

Jim came to stand close to Spock. “I know we were in the middle of something.”

“Duty calls.”

“It does but…I’m tired of fighting, Spock. We could go on forever not being together and holding onto hurt, but, the truth is, they had very little time together once they stopped being idiots.”

Spock leaned his forehead against Jim’s. “You speak of our counterparts.”

“Yeah. They went back and forth for years hurting each other, not trusting in what they shared. I don’t want that to be us. I hate what happened. I’ll always hate it. But I don’t want it to cost me you.”

Spock exhaled slowly. “It will not. It could not. I will be forever by your side, no matter what our personal relationship.”

Jim nodded and pulled back. “See you later?”

“You will,” Spock agreed.

****

It was hours before Jim made it back to his quarters. He and Scotty got a little carried away. He stopped at the synthesizer in his room for coffee even as he yawned big. As he turned toward his bed to sit and remove his boots, he noticed a strange looking purple flower on his bed.

Jim picked it up. It smelled a little like grape juice. Jim thought it came from Sulu’s botany lab.

There was a note.

_This flower is not as beautiful as you_.

Jim chuckled. Apparently he was still being wooed. 


	20. Bubble Baths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of two chapters today on this

Jim wasn’t sure what exactly woke him until he noticed the dark head bent over something on Jim’s desk.

“Spock?”

Spock’s shoulders stiffened. “I did not intend to wake you yet,” he said as he turned to face Jim. “My apologies.”

Jim shook his head. “What are you doing?”

“Preparing your breakfast.” Spock came to stand next to Jim’s bed, his gaze sweeping over Jim’s rumpled sheets. “I know that generally you prefer coffee, but today I have brewed Vulcan tea for us.”

Jim felt his lips twitch. “All right.” He stretched his arms over his head. “Are you still wooing me then?”

“I suspect I will always be wooing you.”

“Always?”

“I do not wish for us to get complacent,” Spock explained.

“Ah.” Jim nodded. “Does that mean I should be wooing you?”

“I take far less wooing than you do. Are your ready to break your fast?”

“Yeah.” He swung his legs out of bed. “Are you saying I’m high maintenance, Spock?”

“Compared to Vulcans, all humans are high maintenance.”

Jim supposed he couldn’t argue with that, though he suspected Spock thought Jim in particular was high maintenance. He padded barefoot over to his desk. Sitting there was a plate of eggs, potatoes, and bacon. Next to it was a silver teapot and two small cups.

“Where’d the teapot come from?”

Spock avoided his gaze.

“Spock?”

“It belonged to my mother,” Spock said quietly. “She presented it to me when I left Vulcan to attend Starfleet Academy.”

Jim’s breath hitched and he stepped close to Spock. He framed Spock’s jaw with his hands and looked deep into those brown eyes. “You are the most beautiful man I have ever known.”

Spock closed his eyes and leaned into Jim’s touch. Then he pulled gently away from Jim. “Please have a seat.”

Jim sat behind his desk while Spock served him with the plate of food and then poured him tea. Spock sat on the other side of the desk, pouring himself tea.

“Where’s yours?” Jim asked.

“I have already eaten while you slept.”

Jim smiled and took a sip of the tea. He was aware of Spock watching. “Perfect.”

Spock nodded. “When you have finished, I have drawn you a bubble bath.”

Jim blinked. “A-a what?”

“A bubble bath. It is a bath with a certain type of soap that is prone to form bubbles,” Spock explained in all seriousness.

He bit back a laugh. “Yes, Spock. I know what one is. I-just-how did you manage that?”

“With the assistance of Mr. Scott. It awaits you in the bathroom.”

“You know I love you, right?”

“Yes,” Spock replied. “As I love you.”

“You really don’t have to do all of this.”

“I disagree.”

“I don’t need flowers and massages and bubble baths, Spock. I just need you. With me.”

“As I have said, you will always have me. Romantically or only in friendship. You are my t’hy’la and there is nowhere else for me.”

****

Jim leaned his head back in the giant tub of bubbles he’d just slipped into. He had no idea how Spock had accomplished this with Scotty and he decided not to ask. He’d just enjoy it. And it did feel pretty good on his aching muscles.

“You approve of this tactic of wooing?” Spock asked, clearly amused.

“Oh yeah.” He smiled. “And the best part? There’s room for two. So get that stupid uniform off and get into this tub.”

“I had it brought for you.”

Jim eyed Spock as he stood next to the tub, his hands clenched behind his back. “Do I have to make it an order?”

“I am uncertain you can order me to strip naked and get in into a bathtub.”

“It’s regulation 56789.”

Spock arched a brow. “I am unfamiliar with that regulation.”

“Hmm. That’s shocking to me. I thought you were familiar with all of them.” Jim sighed. “Don’t make me whine, Spock.”

Spock’s eyes grew warm. “I believe I would enjoy a whine from you.”

Jim raised both brows.

This time Spock acquiesced and began taking off his uniform. He was tinged just a bit greener than normal and Jim quickly realized why. Spock was quite obviously aroused.

Spock stepped into the tub without mentioning his desperate state and then squatted down until he was immersed in the water and bubbles opposite Jim.

“Have you ever had a bubble bath, Mr. Spock?”

“My mother bathed me as an infant in that manner.”

Jim grinned. “God, I bet you were the cutest damn baby.”

“I was not,” Spock insisted primly.

“Well enough talk of mothers and infants. I want a far more serious topic.”

“What is it you wish to discuss?”

“How to get you off.”

“Jim.”

Jim laughed. “Spock.”

Jim scooted forward a bit and then inched his hand toward Spock’s crotch. His fingers curled around Spock’s erection.

Spock gasped. “Have-have you forgiven me?”

“Mostly.”

“Jim—”

“Spock, let it go. The way forward is the way for us. I still have hurt and you still have guilt, but let’s not dwell on any of that.” Jim laughed again. “And really? This is weird, talking, while I’m trying to jerk you off.”

“Perhaps a bit,” Spock acknowledged. He leaned back in the tub, closing his eyes as he pushed up a little, his cock eager in Jim’s grasp.

“Has any man ever done this to you before, sweetheart?”

Spock shook his head.

“I want to hear the words.”

Spock swallowed heavily. “No, never. You are the first.”

“And I’ll be the last and only. Right?”

“Yes. Yes, Jim.”

He slid his thumb across the tip of Spock’s cock, drawing out a groan from Spock.

“You like that, huh?”

“Y-yes.”

“Me, too. You’re so fucking hot like this, Spock.” Jim used his other hand to grasp his own cock, which had become almost impossibly hard while he stroked Spock.

“T’hy’la,” Spock groaned as his dick erupted in Jim’s fist. Jim followed him only a moment later, so turned on by making his Vulcan come. He inched across the bathtub and then readjusted his position until he was lying on top of Spock. Spock’s arms came around Jim, holding him there.

And they stayed that way for a long time, neither of them wanting to move.


	21. Wishes

Spock finally had Jim naked beneath him on the bed—Jim’s bed—a bed he one day hoped would be considered their bed. They were kissing—the human type—until they were both breathless.

Spock had determined this was Jim’s preferred method of kissing—the sharing of tongues and saliva, an almost unseemly amount of intimacy—and though Spock was not entirely certain he would ever admit this out loud, his preferred method as well. At least with Jim. For Jim had an intoxicating taste. It was an addiction, really, for Spock and one he had no intention of forgoing unless Jim demanded that he did.

“Hey, are you with me?” Jim asked suddenly, his fingertips grazing over the tip of one of Spock’s ears. It was only then that Spock realized he had been deep inside his head. So deep he had ceased to kiss Jim.

“I apologize. I was thinking how extraordinary you are,” Spock admitted, unabashedly.

“Not that I mind or anything, but perhaps you could think about that while continuing to kiss me.”

“That was my intent.” Spock stared into those blue eyes, wondering if they were more like Bombay sapphires than anything else.

“Spock?”

“I have not had much of a chance to admire your attractiveness up close,” Spock said. “I am as they say, relishing it.”

Jim’s lips curved ever so slightly, in more of a hesitant smile than a true one. “You really find me attractive?”

“Beyond measure,” Spock assured him. “I know you were concerned about my inexperience with being attracted to a male, but I assure you whatever reservations I might have had have long since passed. It is you and only you I desire.”

Spock’s breath caught when he realized there were tears in Jim’s eyes and he was fairly certain they were not tears of happiness judging by the wave of anguish coming off of Jim from their skin contact.

“Ashayam?”

“Please, don’t hurt me again.”

“Jim—”

“I love you so much. I can’t bear it. Please.”

Spock felt the prick of tears in his own eyes, suddenly overwhelmed by so many emotions—both his own and Jim’s—that he felt it like a vise squeezing his side where his heart lay.

“I never will.”

“Promise?”

“I promise. I would cut out my own heart first,” Spock vowed, knowing full well such a statement made no logical sense.

Jim shook his head. “I don’t want that. Please don’t even joke about you dying.”

Spock closed his eyes and leaned down to press his forehead against his t’hy’la’s. “You know I feel the same way. I have experienced your death and it nearly destroyed my sanity.”

Jim cupped Spock’s jaw and turned his face until their lips were almost one together. “Make love to me.”

Spock fused their lips together, thrusting his tongue into Jim’s hot, moist mouth. Jim whimpered and linked his arms around Spock’s neck, pulling him closer still.

He’d brought the lubricant to the bed after they’d come out of the bathroom and laid it on the mattress beside them so it was easy to grip the bottle as he turned Jim over onto his stomach.

Spock had never inserted his fingers into anyone’s anus, but he found as he slicked his fingers with the sticky, slippery lubricant, he was most curious to do so now. Watching Jim’s reaction carefully, Spock pushed his finger into his t’hy’la’s hole.

Jim tensed ever so slightly but then he blew out a breath, relaxing and he widened the space between his legs. Ignoring the trembling in his own hand, Spock added a second finger. This was no ordinary encounter. Nothing between him and Jim had ever been ordinary.

Having his fingers inside Jim in this intimate way was almost enough to completely snap every bit of his control. His very body quaked.

“Spock?”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, ashal-veh. K'hat'n'dlawa. Ek’wak.”

Jim exhaled and pushed back against Spock’s probing fingers, taking Spock’s digits deeper inside him. His fingers scissored in Jim, causing a sort of mewling sound from his t’hy’la.

Spock closed his eyes, even as his tenuous grip on his control finally broke, letting Jim in, their minds swirling together—Jim a lethal panther and Spock a Sehlat. The two animals danced around each other, pacing back and forth until the Sehlat pounced on the panther, and the panther rolled over and purred in surrender.

He withdrew his fingers and rose above Jim, his hands parting the mounds of Jim’s ass as he pushed himself inside, passed the ring of muscle.

Nothing separated them now. Nothing ever could.

He moved deeply, thrusting powerfully inside his captain, his t’hy’la, his Jim. It was perfection. Spock slipped his hand underneath Jim and reached for his cock, bringing his mate to orgasm twice before he too succumbed.

****

Spock woke alone. He did not allow himself to feel disappointment. They’d come too far for that.

“Computer, locate James T. Kirk.”

“James T. Kirk is on the observation deck.”

Spock pulled on his uniform in quick efficiency. He rode the turbolift up to the deck and found Jim in only three minutes and four seconds.

Jim turned to him with a welcome smile.

“I woke to find you gone,” Spock said, surprised to hear himself state the obvious.

“I woke up and was restless. Didn’t want to wake you.” Jim turned his attention back to the stars.

“You could have. How often do you come here?”

“Often. In the early days of my captaincy? Every night.”

“What were you thinking?” Spock stepped closer. He found it odd that it mattered so much what this human thought—what he’d always thought—but it did. He wanted all that he could share this this man. And he was no longer ashamed of that.

“Different things,” Jim said softly. “Sometimes about death. Mine or the crews. Pike’s. Even your mom’s.” He glanced at Spock. “Does that surprise you?”

“I know you are capable of much caring and understanding. So, no, it does not.”

“Sometimes I thought about you and Nyota. How lucky she was.”

“Jim—”

Jim smiled at Spock. “Forward, Spock. Those days are gone.”

“Indeed.”

As they watched the stars, a shooting star passed by them.

“You know you’re supposed to wish on those,” Jim said.

“I am aware.”

Jim looked at him. “What did you wish?”

Spock grasped his biceps and pulled him closer. “I will tell you in a moment.”

Jim gave him a quizzical smile.

“James Tiberius Kirk, will you bond with me?”

“I thought we were already bonded.”

“Informally, yes. I would like us to formally bond in a ceremony via a Vulcan priest or priestess.”

“So like forsaking all others?”

“Forsaking all others.”

“Till death do us part?”

Spock kept his face blank though his heart twisted in his side. “As long as we _both_ shall live.”

Jim’s smile was radiant. “Yes, I will bond with you.”

Spock lowered his lips to Jim’s. “My wish came true.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap on The Way Forward.   
> i took these two on a ride with Spock cheating on Jim, but I think they've reached a place where they can both start to heal and together. So that's where I'd like to leave them.   
> I wanted to write a story where it was turned the other way, because I see so many implications that Jim would be the one to cheat on Spock. Thus, this story. I actually believe Jim would be more forgiving than Spock, my opinion anyway. Thanks for reading.


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